LazyTown Science Theater 3000
by MASC
Summary: The worlds of LazyTown and Mystery Science Theater 3000 collide when villains from both sides team up for their quest in total domination. Now it's up to Stephanie, Mike, Sportacus, Joel, the robots and the kids to try and stop Robbie and The Mads.
1. Welcome To LazyTown

_**A/N: I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!!! There were those who doubted my return. Others anticipated it. Either way, I'm back and there's no way you can get rid of me now! Before I get started let me just say that I've been waiting TWO years to get this story off the ground and now it's finally happened! I'll be taking baby steps, though. So don't expect a whole lot at first. But eventually the story will evolve into something… well… I don't know. Whatever. **_

_**LAZYTOWN created by Magnus Scheving, property of LazyTown Entertainment and Nick Jr.**_

_**MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 created by Joel Hodgson, property of Best Brains, Inc. **_

_**Oh and just so you know, I'll be writing this story like an actual episode of LazyTown. Y'know, just to try something new and shake things up a bit. You have been warned. **_

The moon descended from the night sky and in its place, the bright sun bounced up and shimmered on the fluffy white clouds and the airship that hovered with them. Inside, LazyTown's champion opened his eyes and jumped out of bed. After giving the command, the bed folded back into the wall and Sportacus now stood on the hard floors of his vessel as several compartments opened up to reveal an assortment of floating orbs that rotated around the inside of the ship.

_"Training sequence X initiated." _The ship's computer said. _"Begin when ready."_

With a nod, Sportacus extended his left hand and gave his first command. "Sword!"

A slot on the wall opened up to launch a razor-edged cutlass with a blue and white striped handle into the hands of Sportacus. After a few practice twirls with the blade, Sportacus front-flipped his way along the floor and slashed his way through several of the hovering orbs while the clock on the wall began counting.

_00:01 _

After each hit, the practice buoys disintegrated and spawned anew in various parts of the ship, this time with a number flashing in front of it.

_00:10_

Sportacus's next challenge was to destroy the orbs in numerical order before his old record passed him by. The hero in blue twirled around and kicked a button on the wall that shot out a small golf ball.

_00: 18_

"Club!" He yelled.

When the metal rod was in his hand, he quickly flipped his way to another part of the room and placed the ball on the floor.

_00:22_

He took one quick glance at all the hovering markers and swung the club, launching the ball across the ship where it ricocheted against the walls and knocking into the buoys in the correct order. When they all vanished, the clock on the wall stopped with the above average hero's new record.

"_New record set. Thirty-five seconds."_

With a laugh and a spin of the old club, Sportacus nodded in approval. "Perfect!"

---

_**Intro:**_

_Welcome to LazyTown, a place where you'll want to stay._

_You'll meet Robbie with his rotten plan and Sportacus saving the day. _

_Stephanie is new in town and soon she and Ziggy are friends._

_With Pixel, Stingy and Trixie, too. They're gonna have a blast together!  
_

_Go, go, go get 'em LazyTown! It's the start of a brand new day!_

_Things are upside down here in LazyTown!_

_Adventure's just a moment away…_

_---_

_**LAZYTOWN SCIENCE THEATER 3000**_

The morning continued in LazyTown inside the mayor's home as Stephanie wandered into the kitchen, where her uncle was frantically walking back and forth. She leaned against the counter and watched in amusement while Milford checked his pockets and searched high and low in the living room for something that was obviously important to him.

"Something wrong, Uncle?" She asked with a giggle.

"Oh, Stephanie!" He said with a startled voice. "I can't seem to find the keys to my office!"

"You mean the ones you keep in your coat pocket?"

"Why, yes!" Milford nodded before he realized he wasn't wearing his coat. "Oh, dear… silly me."

The mayor hurried over to the coat rack and slipped on his favorite tan jacket then stuck his hand in the left pocket and sighed after giving the keys a jingle.

"Oh, thank goodness."

Stephanie giggled some more. "Why are you in such a hurry, Uncle?"

"Today I'm supposed to be meeting some _very important _people from a _very important _organization, who have decided to come and visit LazyTown. Ms. Busybody and I have been getting ready for their arrival all week and we want to make sure the town looks its best."

"Oh." Stephanie nodded along. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, no. I have everything under control. Sit down and eat your breakfast, dear, and have fun with your friends. I'll be back in time for lunch."

"Well okay, then. Bye, Uncle!"

After waving to her uncle, Stephanie sat down at the table and enjoyed her breakfast. Outside, the mayor greeted Ms. Busybody who had just stepped out onto her backyard with a pie in her hand.

"Oh, good morning Ms. Busybody!"

"Hello, Milford. What do you think of the pie I baked?"

"Well it…" He sniffed the pie and suddenly became entranced by its cinnamon and apple-based aroma. "…It's lovely, I…"

"Don't you dare!" She pulled away in a heartbeat. "I made this especially for our visitors!"

"Why, yes… of course…" He stammered.

"Now do you have everything ready?"

"Of course. The stage has been set, the banners have been posted and Sportacus has even agreed to come down and meet them! All I have to do is stop by my office and grab a few things."

Hidden behind the shade of a nearby tree, a figure cloaked in black spied on the two chattering adults and grumbled to himself. He then pulled out a pocket watch and glanced at it for a few seconds until he heard the distant laughing of children. They were approaching fast and the figure in black had to leave now. He jumped into some nearby bushes and waited while Ziggy, Stingy and Trixie came walking by talking amongst themselves.

"And then," Ziggy continued his story with enthusiasm. "Sportacus came down and saved me before I hit the ground!"

"Oh, Ziggy…" Trixie rolled her eyes. "Sportacus is _always_ saving you from your own clumsiness!"

"Oh, you're just jealous of the fact that I've been saved more than anyone else!"

"That isn't necessarily a good thing, Ziggy." Stingy said.

By the time the trio was out of sight, the figure in black stood back up and looked both ways before hurrying off to his next destination.

---

Beneath the surface, Robbie Rotten strolled along his lair with a piece of periwinkle cake in his hand and slowly walked up the steps to his periscope. With one hand, he brought the device down and did his usual snooping around town to see how he could ruin the kid's fun for the day.

"Now let's see…" He said to himself with a mouthful of icing. "…What are those lousy kids up to?"

A quick glance of the stage and welcome banner puzzled the villain as he adjusted the focus on the periscope.

"What's going on here?"

Suddenly, Bessie and Milford came into view as the mayor set up the podium and Ms. Busybody placed her pie on top of a table.

"Who are these people again, Milford?"

"Well they didn't tell me their names. But I do know that they're representatives of a place called Gizmonic Institute."

"Gizmonic Institute? What's that?"

"It's… uhh… oh, I… I suppose I don't really know that either. But I did get a call from one of them and he said he and his assistant would be here today."

"Visitors?" Robbie spat out his cake in disbelief. "Someone's coming _here_!? To _LazyTown_!? Oh, great. They'll probably be like the rest of those brats and enjoy things like… _Sports_… and _eating healthy _and… _exercise_…"

The thought made him shudder and he took a moment to gag while the kids on the surface were regrouping at the sports field. There they kicked the ball around, taking turns to make sure everyone had a shot at it when suddenly…

"STINGY!" They all cried in unison.

"What?" His eyes shifted. "Don't look at me like that! You're damaging _my_ ball!"

"But you're _supposed_ to kick it!" Stephanie pleaded.

"Can't you kick something else?"

"Like what?"

"Here!" He grabbed Ziggy by the shirt. "Kick Ziggy!"

"Hey!" The candy eater whined.

"Oh, Stingy…" Stephanie shook her head then turned to the rest of her friends. "So what should we do now?"

"We could go back to my place and play my new video game!" Pixel suggested enthusiastically.

"Mortal Wombat is boring!" Trixie protested. "Can't we do something else?"

"Like what?"

"For starters, you kids can clear the area!" A voice called out to them before the loud rumbling of a machine drowned it out.

They turned around to see a big orange bulldozer headed their way. Driving the machine was a man with a big furry handlebar mustache and wearing an orange and yellow suit.

"You kids need to clear the area pronto!" He repeated.

"What for?" Stephanie asked.

"This sports field is to be turned into a parking lot!"

"A parking lot?"

"That's right! In order to accommodate the new visitors that are coming today, this field is to be torn apart immediately!"

"New visitors? What new visitors?" The kids looked at each other puzzlingly.

"The new visitors Uncle Milford told me about." Stephanie said to them. "But why do they need our sports field torn down?"

"I told you!" The man in orange crawled out of the bulldozer and waved a shoddy-looking map at the girl. "To put up a parking lot!"

"But there's lots of parking lots already!" Stingy pointed out.

"Yeah, well they have lots and lots of cars! Now get lost!"

---

Up in his airship, Sportacus finished his helping of sports candy when his crystal started to go off. He rushed over to his seat where the jet glider separated from the rest of the ship and dropped into the sky. With a sharp turn to the left that took him straight through the clouds, Sportacus could see the field where the big orange bulldozer faced off with the kids.

"If you pesky little kids don't want to leave then I'll just have to go right through you!" The man in orange threatened as he climbed into the machine and restarted the engine. "Last chance, pipsqueaks!"

"Stephanie, let's just go!" Ziggy pleaded as he pulled her away.

The bulldozer raised its plow and slowly inched forward, scaring the children away. Sportacus was getting nearer as he parked the jet behind a wall and leapt into the air.

"But it doesn't make any sense!" Stephanie insisted as she found herself being chased by the rampaging machine.

"Time to say bye-bye, kiddies!" The madman laughed maniacally as the plow lowered back down to pierce the ground.

Suddenly the machine came to a stop and the driver realized the controls were jammed and inoperable. He leaned to the side and stuck his head out to see a familiar Man In Blue holding the machine back with his bare hands.

"Uh-oh…" He gulped.

"Is there a problem here?" Sportacus asked calmly.

"Yeah! You're in the way of me tearing this place down!"

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that."

With a slight push, Sportacus sent the bulldozer back and caused the driver to rock against his seat. As the engine died down, the man in orange stumbled out onto the grass only to have his disguise fall off and reveal his true face.

"ROBBIE ROTTEN!" Everyone exclaimed.

"Oh, fine!" Robbie hissed. "Go ahead! Keep your stupid field! I'm outta here!"

Frustrated, Robbie shook off the rest of his disguise and headed back to the billboard as Sportacus and the others sighed from relief.

"Thanks Sportacus!" Stephanie smiled.

"No problem!" He smiled back at her. "Now if you'll excuse me, I promised the mayor I would help him greet the new visitors. See you later!"

"Okay then! Bye Sportacus!"

The above average hero winked and ran along the tracks over to the stage, where Bessie and Milford were standing around waiting for their guests to arrive.

"Hello, Mayor!" Sportacus greeted the man as he landed beside the podium. "Am I on time?"

"Yes, of course." Milford nodded. "It's just that… well…"

"What is it?"

"Our guests seem to be running late."

"I'm sure they'll be here."

"I hope so for their sake!" Bessie crossed her arms. "I didn't wake up extra early to bake this pie for nothing!"

---

They walked slowly and cautiously through the small town, their eyes shifting and gazing left and right. It was like nothing they had ever seen before and they were too far from home to go back now. One of the men was tall and had a head of wild brown hair with a white streak running through it. His fuzzy mustache had the exact same mark on it and he wore a lime green lab coat that dropped to the knees of his black slacks. He had glasses that were also lime green and they were placed over a pair of very dark eyes that were filled with madness.

His partner was short, chubby and had a big meaty head topped with a swirl of fluffy white hair. He wore a black long-sleeved smock with a pair of gray slacks and on his feet were black and white Converse shoes that were probably as old as he was. As he and his partner continued their trek into LazyTown, he hauled a small red wagon that contained most of their belongings.

"So this is LazyTown, huh?" The chubby one asked.

"I'm afraid so." The tall one nodded. "Now I'm starting to wish I had Googled the place before we came."

"Hey, how were _you_ supposed to know it was a real place?"

"True. I suppose we'll just have to make the best of it."

They stopped in their tracks for a moment and looked around. The man in green took out a small cloth and began dabbing the sweat from his brow.

"Say, wasn't somebody supposed to come out and greet us? The mayor, I believe?"

"Yeah, what gives?"

"Well… let's keep walking. I'm sure we'll run into the heart of town at some point."

"Lead the way, Boss Man."

**_A/N: Oh and one last thing. Happy Birthday to a very special someone... yeah, you know who you are. _**


	2. A Place Where You'll Want To Stay

**Chapter 2**

Robbie paced back and forth in his lair, growling and grumbling to himself while the sound of the children playing on the surface echoed inside.

"Stupid Sportakook…" He hissed. "That flippity-floppity blue loser _always_ interferes with my plans! Why can't I get rid of him!?"

He walked over to the table and examined all the used junk and recycled components from his old inventions. He picked up a rusty old box with a bent spring sticking from it and played with it a little before tossing it aside. Then he rummaged through the junk some more and shrieked at the sight of his old dinosaur mask.

"I wondered where I put that…" He said to himself while wiping his brow.

Dropping the mask, Robbie continued looking through the labyrinth of useless odds and ends but found nothing worth his attention. Defeated, he cleared the table with a single swipe and pounded his fist repeatedly on the metal surface.

"I've got to find a way to get rid of that Sportamonkey once and for all! Why is it so hard for me to do!?"

---

They finally made their way into town and were surprised to find a giant stage decorated with banners and flags and a fat balding man asleep on a podium, a blue-haired woman dozing off with a cold pie in her hands and a man in a blue tracksuit doing pushups at lightning speed.

"Well…" The Tall Man spoke up, catching everyone's attention. "Don't anybody greet us or anything…"

"Oh my!" Milford gasped as he spoke into the microphone. "Hello! And welcome to LazyTown! I'm Milford Meanswell! Mayor of this fine place. To my left is Ms. Bessie Busybody!"

"Hello!"

"And the man in blue doing the incredible tricks is our very own town hero!"

"Town hero?" The Chubby One giggled. "What is this, Gotham City?"

"Hi!" Sportacus shook the Tall One's hand. "I'm Sportacus!"

"That's a hell of a handshake you got there…" He pulled away fast. "My name is Dr. Clay--I mean… uhh… my name is… er, _Bill_. Bill… _Cosby_. And this is…"

"Hi." The chubby one shook the hero's hand with a mischievous grin. "I'm Jack Hoff. Hee hee. Nice to meet ya."

"Hello." Sportacus nodded.

"Welcome to the neighborhood!" Bessie exclaimed as she handed the pie over to the Man In Green. "I baked this especially for you!"

"Yummy."

He took the pie from her and smiled politely but when her back was turned, he made a face that would make the Pope cry and tossed the pie away.

"Now then, gentlemen…" Milford said as he confronted the two on the ground. "Where do you plan on staying?"

"Oh… uhh…"

"Gee, I thought…"

The two men were rambling over each other, trying to figure out what to say next without giving away too much information.

"Well obviously we came all this way for the peace and quiet…" The Man In Green said.

"Not to mention the fresh air and happy looking sun you guys have…" The Chubby One added.

"We'll need a place to conduct our experiment--I mean our operation! NO! I mean---Uhh, Jack?"

"We just need a place that's livable and roomy enough for us to get our work done."

"Yes! That's it! Without anyone disturbing us! In fact, we'd like someplace secluded and far away from the general public! Somewhere underground, perhaps?"

"Well I'm not sure…" Milford pondered for a minute.

Meanwhile, hidden within the mailbox, the figure in black watched the two visitors closely and checked its watch. With a soft chuckle, the figure lowered the hatch and continued waiting.

"A place underground?" Sportacus scratched his head. "Wouldn't you rather stay up here and--"

"No." Bill Cosby said sharply.

"But I thought Jack said--"

"I said no."

"Are you sure? Because--"

"Listen, you retarded blue jumping bean! I want a place that's underground! Away from prying eyes!" He then turned back to the mayor. "Now do you think you can help me in that area, Mr. Mayor?"

Milford gulped and tried to calm the man down. "Well there is _one_ place but somebody already lives there."

"What!? Who!?"

---

"I'm just not good at this!" Robbie sobbed as he sat in his fuzzy orange chair with a litter of wadded up tissues. "I'm a failure! LazyTown isn't lazy anymore! That goofy blue Sportakook and that Pink cheerleader ruined this town!"

Realizing he was out of tissues, Robbie stood up and slumped his way over to the pipe organ and pulled out a drawer from beneath it. He grabbed a new box of tissues, opened it and looked up at the confinement tubes filled with lifeless mannequins sporting his favorite disguises.

"All of those disguises… useless."

He then looked at the table of scraps and scoffed. Every part was damaged with no hope for salvaging or reuse.

"All those inventions… useless."

Robbie continued back to his chair and noticed his reflection as he walked by. He slowly turned and looked at the sad, miserable, old fool he was.

"…Useless."

---

The two men walked along the courtyard when suddenly a basketball came flying through the air. It hit the Fat One directly in the face and caused him to drop while his partner simply watched in amusement. Stephanie came running up to the two men and was surprised to see one of them lying on the floor.

"Oh…" She started, placing a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry!"

"Hmm…" The Man In Green hunched over and examined his fallen companion as held the ball in his hands. "His face is swollen. More than usual, in fact. His heartbeat is irregular, he's bleeding from his ears and he's… well, he's pretty much knocked out. Well done, little urchin. What's your name?"

"My name is Stephanie. Nice to meet you." She held out her hand and smiled.

"What is it with you people and all this politeness!?" The man said as he placed a limp hand in Stephanie's.

"You must be new here."

"Yes we are."

The Chubby One began to awaken. "Doctor? I think I'm getting better now. I--"

"Down, boy!" He knocked him out again with the basketball. "Say, would you happen to know where I can find a Mr. Robbie Rotten?"

---

"I'm not giving up! I _can't_ give up! Not until that blue sports elf leaves LazyTown forever!"

Robbie stood at the top of the stairway and activated a purple metallic rod with a crystal tip that was glowing red. He pointed the device towards the scrap table and pressed the square yellow button. Instantly, a powerful red beam enwrapped itself around the table and with a simple movement, Robbie was able to levitate it from the ground.

"Yes…" He grinned.

Using both hands, he guided the wand left and watched the glowing table follow. Deciding to further test its abilities, he swung harshly to the right and watched the table and its contents crash into the wall.

"IT WORKS!" He exclaimed. "HA HA! All I have to do is make sure that Sportakook is inside his blimp-thingy and zap him with _this_! Then it'll be goodbye forever!"

Robbie tucked the wand in his pocket and opened the top hatch. He looked around for prying eyes, completely missing the cloaked figure blending in with the billboard, and climbed on out. As soon as Robbie started walking down the road, the mysterious stranger opened up the hatch and slowly entered the lair.

"_Time to go to work…" _

---

Stephanie returned to the courtyard with the basketball in her hand and met up with her friends, who were sprawled out on the floor.

"I'm back with the ball!" She said as she held it up.

"Took you long enough, Pinky!" Trixie nagged.

"Sorry, I was talking to one of the visitors."

"Really?"

This seemed to catch everyone's attention as they all stood up and gathered around Stephanie, who thought their sudden interest in the men seemed unusual.

"What were they like?" Stingy asked.

"Are they kids like us?" Pixel asked.

"Do they want to come over and play?" Ziggy asked.

"Do you think they're on the run or something?" Trixie asked, unaware of how right she was.

"They were nice. Well one of them was, anyway. I accidentally knocked the other one out with the basketball but his friend didn't seem to mind. And no, they're not kids. They're grownups. In fact, I think they're friends of Robbie's."

"What?" Trixie gasped. "Robbie Rotten has friends!?"

"That's what the guy in green said. He said he was looking for Robbie so I pointed him in the direction of the billboard."

"A friend of Robbie's is bound to be as bad as he is."

"Yeah!" The others nodded in agreement.

"C'mon, guys." Stephanie pleaded. "They can't be that bad. The man in green seemed friendly enough."

"Man in green?" Sportacus asked as he arrived on the scene, standing valiantly on the wall. "Do you mean Bill Cosby?"

"That's his name!?" Trixie laughed.

"Yeah, that's the one!" Stephanie nodded. "He's a friend of Robbie's!"

"Really?" Sportacus asked, actually intrigued. "He didn't mention that. What about the other one?"

"Oh, well I don't know. I think so. What's his name?"

"He said his name was Jack… something or other." The hero then jumped to the ground and took out a ring Frisbee from his pocket, spinning it around his finger effortlessly. "Now who's up for a game?"

While Sportacus played with the kids, Robbie growled at the sight and hid behind one of the walls of the courtyard. "He's not supposed to be here! He's supposed to be in that airship of his! How is my plan going to work if he doesn't do things right!? I'll have to think of something quick!"

In a bizarre moment of perfect timing, Robbie revealed himself from the wall and caught the Frisbee without even thinking. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped by the surprise of it all while Sportacus and the children actually stood there in awe.

"Great catch, Robbie!" Sportacus commended him. "But what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your friends?"

"Friends? What friends?"

"You know." Stephanie said. "Those two visitors that came here today. Aren't they your friends?"

Robbie suddenly remembered Milford mentioning the new visitors and decided to use this to his advantage. "Oh, yes! That's right! Now I remember! Duh! Silly me! Yes, of course I remember them… uhh… S-S-Steve--"

"Bill."

"Bill! Yes! Bill and Ted!"

"Jack."

"Bill and Jack! Good old Bill and Jack! Best buds since high school, y'know!"

Sportacus and Stephanie exchanged glances and started to get that same suspicious feeling they always get when Robbie is up to no good.

"Anyway…" Robbie continued. "The guys and I were just about to play some baseball."

"Oh…" Sportacus said, his suspicion still evident as he placed his hands on his belt. "Well that's good."

"Yeah… oh! But I forgot! I don't have a baseball!"

"Here you go."

Sportacus tossed the ball to Robbie and much to everyone's surprise, he managed to catch this one as well. Robbie looked at the blue and white ball and growled under his breath while he faked a smile.

"Thanks! Actually, what I meant to say is that I don't have a baseball helmet!"

"Here!"

Again, Robbie caught the headgear and thought of nasty and rude words to call Sportacus in his head.

"Thank you…" He said through his teeth. "But really, what I meant to say is that I don't have a baseball bat."

"Well--"

"Or a glove."

"Okay, I can--"

"Or a hat."

"Sure, Robbie." Sportacus smiled. "Let me just go into my airship and I'll grab those for you."

"Thank you!" Robbie squealed, dropping the ball and helmet on the floor.

"Ladder!"

The rope ladder dropped from the ship and in no time, Sportacus was climbing all the way to the top. Robbie's cheerful smile suddenly morphed into an evil grin as he took out the wand and switched it on.

"First thing's first." He said as he pointed the device towards Stephanie and the others. "I have to make sure you meddling kids don't get in the way!"

"But that's the point of being a meddling kid!" Ziggy protested. "We meddle!"

"Quiet, Zippy!"

The kids were shrouded by the red energy and lifted from the ground, where Robbie then relocated them inside the treehouse. He then used the wand to bend the tree's branches and seal the kids shut.

"Ha ha!" Robbie laughed as he aimed high at the airship. "And now, Sportakook… it's _your_ turn…"

---

Elsewhere, the two visitors approached the billboard and took a moment to examine the funny artwork that was on display.

"Just what exactly is this billboard advertising?" Faux Cosby scratched his head. "Purple milk?"

"If it's anything like Purple Rain, I'll have some of that!" His companion laughed.

"Oh, shut up. How are your ears?"

"What?"

"I said how are your ears!?"

"What?"

"Will you just--" Without saying any more, he smacked his companion in the back of the head. "Now come on! The entrance has to be around here somewhere!"

---

Inside the airship, Sportacus stopped in his search for baseball equipment as his crystal began to ring. "Someone's in trouble…"

Down below, Robbie laughed like a maniac as he pressed the yellow button. "Time to go!"

There was a loud sputter as the glow on the crystal tip came to a dim. Robbie brought the wand to his face and examined it closely before beating it with the end of his free hand. He aimed and pressed the button again but this time nothing happened. The wand's energy was depleted.

"WHAT!?" Robbie shrieked as he saw Sportacus land in front of him. "Sportakook!"

"Robbie! Where are the kids!?"

The children's screams coming from the treehouse were more than enough to answer his question. While Sportacus climbed up the tree to rescue them, a disgruntled Robbie retreated with his broken toy.

---

The two men toured the lair in total amazement. The Man In Green fiddled with the organ and watched as the disguises in the confinement tubes changed accordingly to the key that was pressed.

"Amazing!"

"Hey, look at this!" The Fat One said as he reclined on the orange chair. "Man, we could use one of these babies back at the old place!"

"We're not going back to the old place, remember!?"

"Oh, yeah. Why is that again?"

"Because! According to history, you and I are both dead! If we were to set foot back into Gizmonics, there'd be a lot of questions asked. Why else do you think I chose to come to this place and continue our experiments?"

"Because my doctor said that I could use the fresh air?"

"For the last time! I'M your doctor!" He smacked his assistant again. "I chose this place because it was the smallest town on the map! The chances of any of these small town fools finding out about our secret is slim!"

"Well that makes sense, I guess. But aren't we going to need a new test subject?"

"Eventually. But first we'll have to construct a new satellite."

They heard the hatch door slam followed by a faint voice, grumbling and muttering incoherencies. Robbie climbed down the ladder with his face to the floor and his wand in his hand.

"Stupid machine." He said as he walked right through the two men. "How was I supposed to know it needed new batteries?"

The two gentlemen just watched in confusion as Robbie raided the scrap heap for a pair of fresh batteries. Curious, they walked closer and closer until they were practically hovering over him. After a few moments, Robbie found a pair and took out a screwdriver to unscrew the bottom of the wand. When it was open, he rested the tool on the table next to Faux Cosby's hand and inserted the batteries.

"Okay! Now I just have to screw the bottom back in. Oh, thanks."

"No problem." The Man In Green said as he handed Robbie the screwdriver.

"All right! Things are starting to look--HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!" Robbie was suddenly alarmed by the two visitors and aimed his wand at them. "Who are you!? What are you doing here!?"

"Oh calm down, you buffoon!" The Man In Green snapped. "If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it already!"

"How did you get in here!?"

"The door was open."

"No, it wasn't. But it's not like it's hard to figure out!"

"Who are you?" Robbie repeated.

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Clayton Forrester. And this tumor standing next to me is Frank. Say hello, Frank."

"Hello, Frank." He giggled. "You get it? 'Cause--"

"Will you shut up!?" He smacked Frank again. "And you must be Robbie Rotten, yes?"

"That's right." Robbie lowered his wand, intrigued by the strange-looking pair before him.

"I simply adore your lair, Robbie. Take a good look, Frank! We found it! After months of searching, we have finally found our new base of operations!

"What are you talking about?" Robbie's eyes blinked at rapid speed. "What base?"

"Welcome! To Deep 14!"


	3. In The Not Too Distant Future

**Chapter 3**

It took Robbie half a second to realize what the two strange men were implying and immediately shot his hands out in opposition.

"Absolutely not!" He shouted. "This isn't some place for you and your friend here to kick off your shoes and call it a day! This is _my_ lair! Get your own!"

"We already have one but we can't go back to it." Frank said with a frown.

"Why not?"

"Because we're dea--"

"What Frank means to say is…" Forrester interrupted with a shove. "We're desperate to find a new location where we can continue our experiments _away_ from prying eyes."

"Experiments?" Robbie scratched his chin suspiciously. "I don't understand. Where are you people _from_, exactly!?"

"Well if you must know, I was a scientist working for a large corporation called Gizmonic Institute. They're a top secret organization funded by the Board Of Mad Science."

"Gizmonic Institute!?" Robbie suddenly gleamed. "_The _Gizmonic Institute!?"

"You've heard of it?"

"Heard of it!? It's been my dream to work there! I've sent in dozens of applications but they've never gotten back to me!"

"You're a scientist?"

"Well I prefer to call myself an inventor more than anything." Robbie grinned smugly. "I mean, take a look at that table! See all that stuff? Inventions I made on several occasions!"

"They're all broken."

"They didn't perform the task it was given." Robbie frowned before pointing at the tubes. "See those isolation tubes? Storage cases for each and every one of my brilliant disguises! It's hooked up to the--"

"To the organ." Forrester interrupted. "Yes, I know."

"Pretty nifty, huh?"

"Well I admit it _does_ seem cute and everything but it's not really considered _mad,_ is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"A giant dinosaur head?" The mad scientist scoffed as he went through Robbie's inventory. "A furry mechanical pooch? A fake crystal? And what's this, a remote control?"

Forrester pointed the invention at Frank and pressed the button, causing the white-haired man to freeze in place. Curious, the scientist toggled with the controls and found a way to control Frank and make him slap himself around.

"Huh…" Forrester began. "I actually like this one. But what about these here? A simple pair of boots?"

"I have a remote for that!" Robbie said as he dashed across the room and returned a few seconds later with the proper tool. "Watch this!"

He pressed the button and grinned at the sight of his mechanical boots marching up and down on their own much to Frank's amusement.

"Hey, Clay." He said. "Those boots were made for walking."

"Frank?" Forrester balled a fist.

"Yeah?"

"Pain!"

He bopped his assistant on the head and shoved him away then slapped the remote out of Robbie's hands, turning his smile upside down. The shoes stopped moving instantly.

"Hey!" Robbie growled. "I worked really hard on those!"

"Of course you did. And I bet it took you _all day _to learn how to tie the laces!" Forrester said in a condescending manner.

"Well what about _this_?" He held out his wand. "I just made it today!"

"What does it do?"

"It levitates objects and removes them from my sight!"

"Ooh, how scary!" Forrester mocked. "You're no mad scientist. You're just a wannabe."

"I am _not!_" Robbie asserted himself. "I'm as good a scientist as _you_ are!"

"Oh, really?"

"Really!"

"Prove it!" He was now face to face with the villain. "What are your credentials?"

"Umm, well I--"

"What's the longest amount of time you've been able to go without your head?"

"What!?"

"What is the product of the correlation of VX/DY minus the sum of the set V1 over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of D over F, given that they are constants, and S is an integer variable!?"

"Now I _really_ don't understand what--"

"Do you have an assistant!?"

"I--" A light bulb suddenly switched on. "An assistant?"

"Yes! An assistant! Start with the basics! I wouldn't be surprised if you couldn't achieve even _that_!"

"As a matter of fact, I _do_ have an assistant! Wait right here!"

---

Using all his might, Sportacus managed to pull the branches apart and uncover the exits from the treehouse. He carefully guided the children down the wooden ladder and when they were safely on the ground, he dropped straight down and landed on his feet.

"Thanks, Sportacus!" Stephanie sighed with relief. "I don't know what came over Robbie."

"He's up to his old tricks again." Trixie shook her head. "You should have warned those new people about him, Sportacus."

"Maybe you're right." Sportacus nodded. "But I didn't expect Robbie to pull off a crazy stunt like this. At least not today."

"I think maybe it's time to face facts." Stephanie frowned. "Robbie Rotten will never change."

"Never say never, Stephanie. There's always a way, remember?"

"Yeah." She shrugged. "I guess."

"Well…" Sportacus held out his hand to catch the baseball bat that fell from his ship. "There's no sense in letting this equipment go to waste! Who's up for some baseball?"

---

Robbie struggled to keep her from falling over but no matter what he did, she kept leaning to her side. Using one hand, he supported her back and used the other to distance her feet on the floor. Frank and Forrester, meanwhile, stared confusingly at the limp and lifeless young woman Robbie was trying so desperately to hold steady. Finally, Robbie managed to keep her still for a few seconds and began twisting the large gold winder attached to the girl's back. After a few seconds, the girl assumed an ordinary ballet position and began dancing around the lair much to the Mads' surprise.

"Amazing!" Forrester watched the girl's movements. "She's so graceful! So agile!"

"So freaking hot…" Frank said in a trance as his eyes remained positioned on the living doll.

"Rotten, I have to admit. I'm impressed."

"Yeah, me too…"

"Really?" A smile spread across Robbie's face. "You mean it?"

"Well I wouldn't go strutting around town just yet but this _is_ an improvement. What's her name?"

"Rottenella!"

"Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing. I just thought you'd have given her a more original name than that."

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe Vio--"

"Oh, forget it! We're not going through _that_ again!"

"Fine."

"Now are you going to let me in on your plan or what?"

"Very well."

The mad scientist walked over to the little red wagon and fumbled through the clutter to pull out a black envelope with a bright green "G" shaped like a gear on it. He fiddled through the contents and removed what appeared to be a satellite image and showed it to Robbie.

"Do you see this?" He asked. "Do you know what this is?"

Robbie examined the picture for a moment. "It looks like a dog bone."

"Well it's not!" He suddenly snapped. "It's a satellite. A _spaceship_. One that I designed and launched into space several years ago."

"Is there somebody inside?"

"You better believe there is…"

_**ELSEWHERE…**_

_**Intro:**_

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_Somewhere in Time and Space._

_Mike Nelson and his robot pals_

_Are caught in a nasty place._

_They try to survive the wrath of Pearl,_

_Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world._

_From her castle below, she sets her sights above._

_Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love._

_**Mike:**_

_(Get! Me! Down!)_

_**Pearl:**_

_I'll send him cheesy movies._

_The worst I can find. (la la la)_

_He'll have to sit and watch them all _

_And I'll monitor his mind. (la la la)_

_Now keep in mind Mike can't control where the movies begin or end. (la la la)_

_He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends. _

_ROBOT ROLL CALL!_

_Cambot! (You're on!)_

_Gypsy! (Oh, my stars!)_

_Tom Servo! (Check me out!)_

_Crooooooow! (I'm different!) _

_If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,_

_And other science facts. (la la la)_

_Just repeat to yourself it's just a show. _

_I should really just relax. _

_For…_

_MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000_

_---_

Past a vaulted door, through a steel panel, beyond a falling gate, past a wooden drawbridge, within a sealed airlock, outside a swing door and beyond the bone-shaped lock, the interior of the Satellite of Love glowed luminously alongside the stars that danced around in the vast emptiness of outer space. There was a certain beauty to it all. The way the light reflected from outside the ship and into the steering columns and pipelines that traveled throughout the SOL.

But none of that seemed to matter to the crew as their attention was currently focused on the desk, which held three different colored bowls. Mike Nelson, the lone human aboard the SOL, stood idly next to his robot companions, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo, with a blindfold over his face.

"So explain this to me again." Mike said with a hint of nervousness in his voice. "Why am I wearing the blindfold?"

"Because, Mike!" Crow said. "It's a taste test! You're not supposed to peek during a taste test!"

"Well what am I supposed to be tasting?"

"Let's find out! Tom?"

"All right, here we go…" The bubblegum machine robot said as he dipped a spoon inside one of the bowls and inserted it into Mike's mouth. "There. What do you make of it?"

"I don't know…" Mike said as he moved his tongue about. "It's creamy… cold… a little fishy… meaty, even. What is it?"

"Why, you just tried my latest culinary creation! Salmon Mayonnaise Gelato!"

"Oh, well that's good. For a moment I thought I--WHAT!?"

"Don't try to fight it, Mike. You know deep inside that human soul of yours, you _love_ it."

"Servo, that's disgusting!"

"Well gee, Mike! See if I ever cook for you again!"

"Try mine, Mike! Try it!" Crow bounced in anticipation.

"Will I regret it?" Mike gulped.

"Probably. I mean, that's kind of the point."

"Oh, right." Mike shrugged as he opened his mouth to taste Crow's confection. "Hmm… this one's kind of nice, actually. A little tart… creamy… gelatinous, kind of… this has mayonnaise too, doesn't it?"

"Uhh… well, actually. It _is_ mayonnaise."

"What?"

"Yup. Just your run-of-the-mill, everyday, good old fashioned American mayonnaise."

"This is so gross…" Mike began to gag.

"Hey, guys!" Gypsy, the ship's only female, entered the room. "Has he tried mine yet?"

"Oh, no more…" Mike begged. "Please!"

"Oh, I understand. If you don't want to try mine, that's okay."

"Thanks, Gyps."

"I mean you _were _nice enough to take the time to try Tom's and Crow's but if you don't want to try mine…"

"Well, I…" The guilt was starting to spread. "… I guess one more couldn't hurt."

"YAY! Try it, Mike! You'll love it!"

"Okay…" Mike sighed as he opened his mouth for another spoonful. "…Hmm… fried pickle pudding with mayonnaise."

"Do you like it?"

"Actually…" Mike said as he removed the blindfold and plowed through the bowl. "…It's not bad!"

Suddenly, the red light on the control panel began to flash. After finishing Gypsy's surprisingly good dessert, Mike immediately pressed the button to make contact with his captor.

---

Back on planet Earth, atop a thunderous mountain, within a swarm of angry black clouds, stood Castle Forrester in all its haunted glory. The inside of the centuries-old castle was suffering from a leaky roof and a pale man in a purple cloak and an evolved ape-man scuttled about the place with various buckets and containers to catch the falling rain.

Their lord and master, Pearl Forrester, walked right through them and communicated with Mike and the robots through a video uplink to the ship.

"Hi, morons. As you can see…" She extended her arm to widen the view of the inside of the castle. "… There's a pretty bad storm out tonight and it's, like, totally kicking our ass. I mean it's even having some effect on Brain Guy's omnipotent powers and stuff."

"Yes." The pale figure in the purple hood nodded. "However my speech patterns intact remain."

"You see what I mean?"

---

"Gee, Pearl… that's uhh…" Mike couldn't help but grin. "That's too bad, really."

---

"Sure. Whatever. Listen, I'll have to call some guys over to make repairs on it immediately. In the meantime, get in that theater and watch your movie for the day."

---

"Are you sure you don't want us to go down there and help instead? I mean I'm more than capable to--"

---

"Nice try, Nelson." Pearl smirked. "Bobo, hand me the movie!"

"Yes, Lawgiver!" The ape-man hurried over to his mistress with the film reel in his hand. "Boy, it sounds like a good one. _Manos: The Hands of Fate_. Ooh, that just _sounds_ scary!"

---

"Seen it!" Crow and Servo said in unison.

---

"What!?" Pearl tossed the film back. "What do you mean you've seen it!?"

---

"Yeah, Dr. F showed it to us back when Joel was around." Servo explained.

---

"Well what about _Eegah_?" Pearl asked as she went through an assortment of old tin reels.

---

"Seen it."

---

"_Mitchell? Santa Claus Conquers The Martians?_ Uhh… how 'bout _Wild World of Batwoman?"_

_---_

"Seen it."

"Hated it."

"Next one, please."

Crow, Tom and Mike said respectively.

---

"Come on! Throw me a bone here, you guys!"

---

Mike just shrugged. "Sorry, Pearl. But it looks like you're all out of movies to send us."

"Yeah, too bad." Crow pretended to care.

---

"NOOOO!"

Bobo fell immediately from the blow he had received from Pearl and her box of old movies as Brain Guy wandered around the leaking castle aimlessly like a child at the store waiting to head down the toy aisle.

"Brain Guy, get over here!"

"Yes, madam?" The purple-hooded creep stood immediately at attention, awaiting his mistress' next command.

"I need a movie."

"You have movies."

"New ones! I'm all out!"

"Are you really?"

"Yes, _really_!"

"But what about the ones I just gave you?"

"They've seen them already!"

"How can that be?"

"I don't know! Where the hell did you get those movies from, anyway!?"

"I found them in that old bedroom, under the bed and next to several copies of Fascist Dictator Weekly."

"Fascist Dictator Weekly?"

"…And a copy of Bigguns." Brain Guy cleared his throat awkwardly as his eyes shifted.

"Clay?" Pearl came to a realization. "You got these movies from my _son's_ room!?"

"Your son? Ah, yes. Young Clayton. Where is he again?"

"He's dead, you cream puff!"She growled as she throttled him. "Now whip me up a new movie right now!"

"I'm afraid that's out of the question, ma'am. You see, my powers won't be able to reach their full potential so long as this storm cloud hangs over us."

"I hate you."


	4. Somewhere In Time & Space

**Chapter 4**

Robbie and his living doll sat on the orange chair and listened to every word the mad scientist was telling them. His unique story about his dedication to science and the pursuit of world domination not only confused LazyTown's resident villain but inspired him as well.

"Skip ahead fourteen years. I finally made it into Gizmonic Institute." Forrester went on with his story. "I had a dream. But more than that, it was my passion. If I could find the world's most disastrous film ever made and unleash it on an unsuspecting public, I would be able to rule the world!"

"Go on…" Robbie said in a trance.

"But I needed a test subject. Someone to expose the films to before I could narrow the search down." His face suddenly turned dark and twisted. "That's when I met him."

"Who?"

"A custodian by the name of Joel Robinson. He was your typical, everyday face in a red jumpsuit who had a disgusting habit of being nice to people! Ugh!"

"Sounds a lot like Sportakook. Blue suit. Friendly disposition."

"He always said things like, 'Hi' or 'Good morning'!"

"Yeah! Or 'How are you today?' or 'Nice day, isn't it'!"

It was apparent to TV's Frank and Rottenella that their bosses were now mimicking their respective enemies.

Getting back on track, Forrester continued his story. "Anyway, he did a good job cleaning up the place. But I didn't like him."

"What did you do?"

"I shot him into space." Forrester responded as he held up a toy replica of the SOL. "I sent him cheesy movies. The worst I could find."

"Ah. I see. What happened?"

"Well I was unaware that underneath his appearance as a lowly janitor, he was an aspiring inventor. He created four living robots out of various parts of the ship to keep him company."

"Robots?"

"I have to admit, I was impressed. So impressed, in fact, that we began exchanging inventions every week."

"What about the movies?"

"Well the experiments were going along nicely until Frank here made the biggest mistake of his puny, wretched, little life!" Forrester said as he beat Frank repeatedly with the replica.

"What happened?"

"He let a simple, mild-mannered temp get the best of him and help Joel escape the Satellite of Love! Didn't you, Frank!?"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He cried. "Mommy! Help me!"

"Quiet, Frank!"

"Why does the past hurt so much?"

"So if this Joel guy left, who's up on the spaceship now?"

"The temp who helped Joel escape, of course. A buffoon by the name of Mike Nelson. Like his predecessor, he's managed to survive every bad movie I sent him. You're going to help me regain control of the ship and bring him closer to orbit around LazyTown."

"For what?"

"I think we can help each other, Robbie."

"You do?"

"Sure. You want to get rid of that big blue sports monkey, right?"

"Of course!"

"And I need a new test subject! Someone who will be easily crushed beneath the weight of a stinky pile of cinematic excrement!"

"And you think Sportakook fits the bill?"

"Doesn't he?"

"YES!" Robbie threw his hands in the air. "He's perfect! He can't sit still for more than a minute! He's always having to move around and save people from danger! I'm getting sick of it!"

"Excellent! I'll need your wand."

"Sure!" He handed the scientist his invention. "What's the plan?"

"First, we have to set up a communication link with the Satellite."

"How do we do that?"

"One of the robots Joel made is capable of sending and receiving video feeds from various locations, regardless of its point of origin. He's probably the most important robot of them all. Without him, none of the experiments would have proceeded."

"Sounds interesting. What's the name of this robot?"

---

"Cambot! Keep Pearl busy! I'm a little distracted right now!"

An overworked Mike scurried back and forth between various parts of the ship to tend to his robot friends' needs. Gypsy was swaying her large head in circles and wailing at the height of her voice while Crow sobbed like a baby at the edge of the desk, gnawing at his detached right arm.

"Crow! Gypsy!" Mike tried to get their attention. "What's the matter, guys? Speak to me!"

"M-M-Mike…" Crow stuttered. "I'm s-s-so bored… _So bored_! What do we do!?"

"Huh? What are you talking about!?"

He then noticed Servo lying on his back with his little coil arms folded over his breast as he muttered bible phrases to himself.

"Servo, what's wrong?"

"…_Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven_…"

"Guys, come on!" Mike pleaded with them. "Y'know, I thought you'd be happy that we're not watching a movie!"

"It's not that, Mike! We _are_ happy!" Crow said as he continued sobbing. "It's just that we're not used to change! Remember when you first came on board?"

"Well… yeah. You were hiding under the table, Servo tried to attack me with a banana, and Gypsy almost crashed the ship into an asteroid."

"See what I mean!? Our lives were turned upside down and it was just too terrible to cope with! And now Pearl's leaving us without our weekly torture session and I have no idea how to carry on!"

---

"Huh? What's that?" Pearl squinted at the monitor. "Will you robots quit your whining and grow a pair!? Nelson, if you can't keep them under control, I will box your ears in _so hard_…"

"Madam!" Brain Guy called as he approached his mistress with a handful of DVDs. "We returned with some movies!"

"Really? Where did you get 'em?"

"Oh, that cute little Red Box Machine outside the food court!" Bobo explained cheerfully.

"We have a food court?"

"Certainly, madam." Brain Guy nodded as he presented her with a green container. "I picked up a box of your favorite snack cracker while I was down there."

"Oh, thanks. What movies did you get?"

"Well, let's see.. There's--"

But before he could list the films, the lights on the castle went out and the video feed was cut off. The storm raging above the castle was too much for the little robot to get a signal through. Whimpering with an electronic beep, Cambot switched off its broadcasting systems and hovered over to its robot brethren.

"Now we lost our connection to Pearl!" Crow began to cry even more. "Pearl, come back! PLEASE! COME BACK!"

"Wait a minute!" Servo suddenly sat up with an idea roaming around his bubble head. "No connection with Pearl! Brain Guy's powers are on the fritz! That means…"

"We can get out of here!" Crow exclaimed, quickly getting over his fit. "Mike! We're free!"

"All right!" The man in the blue jumpsuit cheered as he activated the controls of the ship. "Earth, here we come!"

Unfortunately, a stray lightning bolt managed to travel from across the stars and strike the outer hull of the ship, as if the Fates were playing a nasty prank on the crew just to watch them suffer in their own blackout. Their mission was successful. The lights on the ship were out, the engines were dead and they only had two hours of oxygen left. Mike and his robot friends were now stuck in a spaceship with nowhere to go and nothing to do.

"Well this pretty much blows…" Mike sighed. "Hey, I know what we can do to pass the time! Let's sing a song!"

"No." Crow snapped.

"Cram it, Nelson!" Servo turned away. "What a truly bizarre and utterly sucky day this has turned out to be! I blame you, Mike."

"Me too!"

"Hey, what did I do!?"

"Oh, geez." Gypsy sighed. "I better get to work on the engines and see if I can restore the backup generator."

"All right. See you in a bit, Gyps." Mike waved goodbye.

"Y'know, guys…" Servo began to have a moment of enlightenment. "I think we're being tested. Someone… _somewhere_… is putting us through all these trials just to play with our heads. To break our spirits! To put us down!"

"What's he talking about?" Crow asked Mike, who only responded with a shrug.

"Just think about it, guys! Right now, someone else down on that planet is living it up! Having fun and having a good time! But in a moment, that could all go away and they'll be stuck in the same situation we are! I can't explain it but I think we're about to cross paths with that someone in a once-in-a-lifetime ordeal that will forever change the way we live! Huh? What do you think?"

"I think you just discovered God and the meaning of life." Crow sighed. "This is exactly why Joel said we should never watch Billy Graham before we go to bed."

---

Sometime during the day, Sportacus and the kids finished their baseball game and waved goodbye to Sportacus as he returned to his airship to continue his rounds. The gang headed back to Pixel's place, where they played on his new video game console and joked around with each other.

"Stingy, let me have some popcorn!" Trixie demanded as she reached for the bowl in the miser's hand.

"No! It's mine!" He shook his head and raised the bowl over his head. "I'd give you some from this part of the bowl… but it's _also _mine!"

"Oh, not this again…" Pixel shook his head. "Stingy, would you just let her have some--"

_"Warning. Warning. Warning."_ His computer suddenly interrupted with a series of alarms.

"What is it, Pixel?" Stephanie asked as she rushed to his side. "What's with the alarm?"

"It looks like there's a storm headed our way." Pixel explained. "According to this, we'll be experiencing substantial rains, heavy winds and lightning!"

"It's just a rainstorm. No big deal, right?" Ziggy asked with a hint of fear in his voice.

"I'd better go home just to be on the safe side." Stephanie said as she gathered her belongings. "I guess I'll call it a day."

"Yeah, me too." Trixie said as she followed suit.

Eventually, all the kids were leaving Pixel's room to head back home while the clouds outside started to thicken and turn black. As she walked along the path, Stephanie could feel the weight of the wind push against her and stopped in her tracks to look up at the dark skies.

"Something doesn't feel right." She said to herself.

---

Down in the lair, Robbie lowered his periscope and took a quick look around the town and noticed the weather starting to change.

"Hey, Doc!" He began. "We've got a problem! It looks like rain!"

"No matter!" Forrester approached the man. "We can't pass this up! Nothing is going to stand in our way! Say, what are you looking at anyway?"

The mad scientist pushed Robbie away and took a gander through the lenses and was immediately impressed by the telescope's range.

"Amazing…" He said with an idea now forming. "…How far can this baby reach?"

"As far as you want. Why?"

"We can use this to track down the SOL. Once we've pinpointed its exact location, I'll hit it with my invention."

"Your invention?"

"Frank?"

The fat man in black wheeled in a clunky box with several knobs and bulbs sticking from it and switched it on from the side. The bulbs began to glow yellow and a small antenna ascended from the bottom.

"Behold, Rotten." Forrester grinned. "My Matter Transference Device."

"Your what?"

"This is how we're going to switch that annoying Man In Blue with _another _annoying Man In Blue!"


	5. The Old Switcheroo

**Chapter 5**

Robbie eyeballed the square machine over and over again and was still unable to grasp its unique design. The protruding handles and multicolored light bulbs he toyed with only made it more confusing to figure out. Upon seeing his most coveted invention become the object of Robbie's curiosity, Dr. Forrester slapped the villain's hand away and took back what was his.

"Careful!" He snapped. "You break this, I break your neck!"

"Sorry." Robbie said with a twitch of his nose. "What is it again?"

"My Matter Transference Device. I can swap whatever I want _where_ I want and--"

"Hey, wait a minute!" TV's Frank interrupted. "That thing's dangerous! Are you sure you got all the bugs worked out? Remember what happened the last time we used it?"

"Quiet, Frank!"

"What happened the last time you used it?" Robbie gulped.

"Oh, well…" Frank chuckled. "It's actually a pretty funny story. Clay made the big mistake of using it during an ion storm and we were transported into a parallel dimension where _we_ were the guinea pigs instead of Mike and the robots. Hey, Clay! Do you remember Joey The Lemur and that song we sang? How did it go? _Joey The Lemur, he_--"

Forrester stopped Frank's song and dance routine with a quick tug of his underpants. "Are you gonna be quiet!?"

"YES! YES! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE! NOT IN FRONT OF THE CUTE LADY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE! OW!"

Rottenella chuckled softly and turned her attention to the floor, shying away from the fat one's presence.

"Quit crying, Frank! Now get me the satellite codes so we can uplink with Cambot!"

While Frank did as he was told, the mad scientist pulled out a laptop from his little red wagon and found several wires tangled up in a ball. Robbie watched in anticipation while the Man In Green struggled to straighten out the mess until finally, he was able to connect the wires from his device over to Robbie's periscope.

"A word of advice, Rotten." Forrester said out of breath. "Never believe everything they tell you about having an assistant. Sometimes it's easier to do things yourself."

"Here are the codes." Frank returned with a memory stick in his hand. "Let's say you do establish contact with the SOL, how are we gonna talk to 'em?"

"You're right." He sighed. "Rotten?"

"Yes?" The villain stood at attention.

"I'll need your TV!"

"Done and done!" Robbie grinned and with a snap of his fingers, the TV set lowered from the ceiling and dangled beside the periscope for the mad scientist's convenience.

---

Outside, the weather was growing worse as the winds picked up, the skies grew darker and the clouds thicker. A crackle of thunder alarmed poor Stephanie, who was struggling to walk through the powerful breeze but to no avail.

Sportacus was alarmed immediately and hurried back down to the surface to help his friend. "Stephanie! Hold on!"

"Sportacus!" She cried as she was thrown against a nearby wall. "The wind's too strong! I can barely move!"

"I'm coming!" He cried over the sound of his crystal.

---

"Mike, this coffee's too strong! I can barely drink it!" Crow complained as he spat out his pitiful cup of java.

"I'm coming!" Mike hurried over to his robot companion with another fresh cup. "Hopefully this one meets up to your standards!"

There was a sudden tremble and everyone on deck suddenly fell to the right. Crow's steaming hot caffeinated drink hurled itself out of the mug and onto Mike's face.

"GAH!" He screamed.

"What the Hell!?" Servo cried out. "Mike, are you doing this!?"

"No! The ship's running on backup power and my face is burning!"

"Warning! Warning!" Gypsy began to circle around the group, her light bulb flashing repeatedly. "The ship has been taken over by an unknown force!"

Mike struggled to his feet and quickly tapped the blinking red light on the desk. "Pearl! Something's wrong!"

---

"Don't you think I know that!?" Pearl scowled from inside her dark castle. "I'm trying to make sure all my best furniture isn't damaged by all this stupid rain and you're making it excruciatingly difficult for me to focus here!"

---

"Well, gee… sorry, Pearl. I didn't think about that. I was just--Hey, wait a minute!" Mike had a sudden revelation. "How are we talking to you again? I thought we lost the connection because of the storm! Cambot, did you do this?"

The robot swayed to the side as a 'no'. Just then, a loud static broke through the transmission and both parties in space and on earth were met with a rude awakening.

"Hello, kiddies!" Forrester's expansive evil grin suddenly filled both monitors. "Daddy's come home!"

"DR FORRESTER!" Mike and the SOL crew shouted in unison.

---

"Clay!? Is that you?" Pearl was awestruck. "But you died! I killed you! I mean… I… _saw_ you_… die_…"

---

"Hello, mother. Nice to see you again."

"Clay, don't hog the camera!" Frank shoved his boss aside to make room for himself. "Hiya, Pearl!"

---

"Frank!" Pearl's expression suddenly shifted upwards. "TV's Frank! How are you!?"

---

"Oh, pretty good. We're just making a fresh new start here in LazyTown and--"

"Frank, be quiet!" Clayton hissed as he silenced his assistant with the backend of a clipboard. "How many times have I told you not to give our location away!?"

"Sorry, doctor."

"Now then…" He cleared his throat. "Mother, you've done a good job continuing with the experiment and I commend you for it. But as of now, I am reclaiming my position as head of the Forrester family and taking charge of all experiments from now on."

---

"You're what!?" Pearl growled as her minions rushed to her side. "Over my dead body, sonny-boy!"

"Who's that, lawgiver?"

"My no-good, meddling, ungrateful son!"

"Oh! Hello, little boy! I'm Bobo! Gosh, you're looking awful big and healthy for someone who's supposed to be dead!"

"Bobo?"

"Yes, lawgiver?"

"Go kill yourself."

"Oh, okay!"

And off he went, looking for something to bash his brains with.

---

"Monkeys, mother? Is that really the best you could do?"

---

"Clay, listen to me! Why do you want to take over the experiments!? Why can't you go back to being dead!? I was enjoying the time were weren't spending together!"

---

"Sorry, Ma. But you have no say in the matter. I control everything now. Including the ship!"

Using Robbie's periscope, Forrester enhanced the focus and pinpointed the exact location of the Satellite of Love. Then he switched on the Matter Transference Device and plugged Robbie's wand in the slot, generating a low humming noise.

"Time to bring the ship in closer."

---

A beam of red energy surrounded the giant dog bone and slowly dragged it closer to the earth's atmosphere. The crew inside held onto something and stood their ground as the ship rocked once again.

"Warning!" Gypsy continued. "We're being dragged in!"

"Wait, does that mean we're finally going back home!?" Mike asked with a glimmer of hope in his eye.

---

"No, of course not!" Forrester's voice echoed through the ship. "I'm just bringing you around the other side of the planet so I can keep a closer eye on you!"

---

"Damn!"

The robots suddenly noticed something strange about Mike as he began to glow red and his movements became sluggish.

"Hey, what is this?" Mike shifted his eyes. "Why can't I move?"

"Say, Mike?" Servo gave him a once-over. "Something's different about you. Did you get a haircut?"

"No…"

"Huh. Hey, Crow! Does Mike look kind of funny to you?"

"Yup! Sure does! Only Mike would have a face that meaty!"

"No, you idiot! I mean does he look different to you?"

"Well of course he's different! He's unique! He's the only one of his species to perspire faster than normal men!"

"Guys, this isn't funny!" Mike began to panic. "I can't move! I'm starting to… oh God… oh God, no…"

---

Back in LazyTown, Sportacus helped Stephanie inside the mayor's office and closed the door shut while the weather outside continued to rage.

"Thanks, Sportacus!" Stephanie sighed.

"No problem."

"Help!" A voice cried from outside just as Sportacus' crystal went off again.

"Oh, dear!" Milford gasped as he looked out the window. "It's Stingy!"

Sportacus front-flipped his way back outside in the nasty weather to find Stingy careening out of control in his yellow Hornet.

"Sportacus, save me!"

Sportacus sped through the track field and leapt over a wall while dodging several objects that were being blown towards him. Once he was positioned under his airship, he looked up and raised his hand outward.

"Rope!"

Once the line was in his hand, Sportacus cart-wheeled over to another side of the park and rolled one end of the rope along his left arm and lassoed the other onto Stingy's hood ornament. Using all his might, the above-average hero reeled the sleepy-eyed brat in and secured the line around the tree so as to make sure Stingy wouldn't be blown away.

"Thanks, Sportacus!"

"No problem!"

But there was a problem. Sportacus suddenly felt his entire body slow down and come to a complete stop. Stingy noticed Sportacus was now glowing a bright red.

"Sportacus, you're…" He gasped.

"What's going on?" The Man In Blue was suddenly alarmed. "What's happening?"

"Sportacus?" Stephanie could see it from inside her uncle's office. "Uncle, look! He's glowing!"

"Why, yes! He's always happy to do his job!" The mayor smiled.

"No, uncle! That's not what I mean! Look! He's actually glowing bright red!"

"What?"

---

"Big Blue's locked on and ready to go!" Frank beamed. "Your move, Clay."

"Do it! Do it!" Robbie cheered the man on. "Press that button and make him go away!"

"You do the honors, Robbie." Forrester grinned as he offered the controls over to him. "Go on. Make us proud."

"It'll be my pleasure…"

With a wicked, crooked smile, Robbie licked his finger and wiped back the cowlick on his hair and placed his hands on the Matter Transference Device. He looked at the green button and rested his finger on it gently before taking one last look at his enemy through the periscope.

"Goodbye, Sportakook. FOREVER!"

What happened next caught everybody by surprise. A minor explosion of smoke and ash forced everyone in the lair to scatter and Robbie to press the button while accidentally moving the periscope to the side. Once the dust settled, Robbie and his new friends searched the area for their attacker.

"What happened!? What did you do!?" Robbie growled as he placed Frank in a chokehold. "Answer me, Frank!"

"I didn't do it!"

"Forget him!" Forrester interrupted. " We can find out what happened later! Right now let's focus on our plan! Did it work? Did they switch places?"

"Let's find out."

And with that, Robbie looked into the periscope once again and searched all of LazyTown until he stumbled across a man in blue laying on the field, who was NOT Sportacus.


	6. Different Worlds

**Chapter 6**

The mysterious stranger climbed up the ladder and opened the top hatch of the lair, releasing most of the smoke that was clouding it. The stranger took in a deep breath of fresh air then scurried off back into town to continue whatever mischievous plot he had devised.

The storm clouds were nearly gone and the winds died down as Stingy managed to stand back up on his own two feet without fear of getting blown away. He looked around him and was relieved to find his prized yellow Hornet still in one piece.

"Oh, thank goodness…" He sighed as he stroked the car's hood. "I thought I lost you!"

"…Oohh, my head…"

Stingy was startled by the strange voice coming from the other side of his car and fell back. Slowly he crawled around to the other side and gazed at the funny-looking man in the blue jumpsuit, who sat on the grass rubbing his hand against the side of his head.

"That's the last time I let Servo pilot the ship." He said to himself.

As he stood up, he accidentally knocked his shin into the side of Stingy's car and let out a painful yelp. Fearing for the safety of his car, Stingy stood up and caught the man's attention.

"Be careful with that! It's mine!"

"Oh, sorry." Mike then did a double-take. "Hey, wait a minute! Who are you!? Where am I!? This isn't some kind of simulator Gypsy made up, is it?"

"Who?"

"Wait, you're just a kid."

Mike turned around and was awestruck at the strange and unfamiliar town that surrounded him. He looked at the empty ice cream shop with its sign knocked over, possibly from the recent storm. He walked over to the sports field and admired the tidiness of all the equipment and gear.

"Oh my God…" Mike gulped. "This place is like one of Tim Burton's _good_ dreams."

"Hey, mister!" Stingy said as he followed the visitor. "Who are you?"

"Huh? Oh, well I'm--" Mike froze in place as his eyes suddenly gazed at the massive hole in the roof of the town hall. "Geez, what happened here? Is there anyone inside that building?"

"Huh?" Stingy turned around and saw the massive damage that had been done to the mayor's office. "Oh no! Mayor Meanswell!"

Somewhere in the fields, Sportacus awoke to the sound of his crystal and leapt to his feet. He wiped the debris from his person and sprinted across the field to assist the mayor and his niece.

---

Below, Robbie and The Mads shrieked in horror at what they saw. Furious, Dr. Forrester grabbed his mallet and purposely slammed it against Frank's head.

"How did this happen!?" Dr. F began to strangle his assistant. "Frank, you nincompoop!"

"I didn't do it!" He pleaded.

"Forrester!" Robbie steamed. "Why isn't Sportakook up in space like you promised!?"

"Hey! Don't point your fingers at me, Rotten! It's your own fault! If you had set the coordinates exactly as I told you, he'd be up there!"

"Maybe it had something to do with that random explosion." Frank suggested.

"Frank, don't defend the big-chinned oaf. He's as guilty as--wait a minute! By God, you're right! Where did that blast come from?"

"That's right! I forgot all about that!" Robbie gasped.

While the three men searched the lair for clues, Rottenella stood by a burning black spot on the floor and waited for them to notice. When she grew impatient, she whistled loudly and caught their attention. Then she pointed at the floor and directed them to explosion in question.

"A point of origin!" Forrester exclaimed.

"A black hole!" Robbie screamed.

"Pretty lady!" Frank blurted out.

They examined the location closely, swapped ideas and suggestions and muttered amongst themselves while the living doll just stood there shaking her head.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone heard about our experiment and sabotaged it!" Forrester concluded.

"Yes, that's it! Sportakook did it! That would explain why he's not in space right now!" Robbie explained. "No, wait… that doesn't make sense because I had him right in my crosshairs before the explosion. He's fast but he's not _that_ fast…"

"Wait a second…" Dr. F then turned to Rottenella for questioning. "How convenient of you to know the exact location of the explosion's point of origin, isn't it? You did this, didn't you!?"

She simply shook her head and rolled her eyes. Robbie and Frank suddenly became very defensive of the young woman as they stood in front of her so as to protect her from Clayton's sharp tongue.

"Hey, back off!" Robbie snapped. "She didn't do it! She has no reason to!"

"Yeah, she's innocent!" Frank turned and winked at the girl. "I mean look at her! How could you not trust a face like that, Clay?"

"Spread out!" Forrester growled as he pushed the two men aside and came face to face with Robbie's creation. "Confess, you overgrown Barbie! Tell me why you thought it was wise to ruin our plans!?"

With a sigh, Rottenella grabbed Forrester by the shoulders and kneed him in the groin. She wasn't going to let him falsely accuse her of sabotaging a plan that, as far as she was concerned, was completely half-assed.

"Still think she did it, Clay?"

"Shut up, Frank…"

---

"Mayor, are you all right?" Sportacus asked the man as he tossed the large chunk of wreckage aside. "Can you stand up?"

"Yes, thank you…" The man said as he stood up. "Stephanie? Oh, dear! Where is she?"

"I'll look for her!"

While Sportacus frantically searched the ruins of the mayor's office for his friend, Mike and Stingy walked in and were horrified at what they saw.

"Mr. Mayor, what happened?" Stingy asked.

"The storm must have been stronger than we thought." Milford's attention suddenly shifted to the other man in blue. "Who is this?"

"Oh, hi." Mike waved. "I'm--"

"Mayor!" Sportacus interrupted. "I can't seem to find her!"

"Oh, no!" Milford panicked. "Stephanie's missing?"

"I'm afraid so. And what's worse is that my crystal isn't going off."

"Stingy!"

"Yes?" He suddenly stood at attention.

"Gather all your friends and tell them to start looking for Stephanie!"

"I'm on it, Mayor!" And with that, he was off.

"Oh, dear. What could have happened? Do you think she was sucked out by a tornado?"

"I'm not really sure, Mayor." Sportacus shrugged before noticing Mike standing around like a lost dog. "And you are?"

"I'm, uhh… I'm Mike. Mike Nelson."

"Where did you come from?"

"Umm…" He slowly pointed upward. "Up there."

"My airship?"

"Airship? No, from my _spaceship_. The Satellite of Love."

"Satellite of Love?"

"Yeah. What airship are you talking about?"

"The one that's parked out in the sky."

"Oh, right. Yeah…" He gave him a weird look. "I know this is going to sound weird but am I on Earth?"

"Of course you are. Where else would you be?"

Mike simply responded by pointing his finger in the air again, to which Sportacus nodded with a wink in his eye.

"Listen, can you point me to a phone? I need to make a call."

"Of course but I don't think the lines will be working right now. We just had a storm come through."

"That's funny. There was a lightning storm in space right before I…" Mike suddenly had an idea. "… Oh, wait a second. I'm getting way ahead of myself! How did I get here!? Where is this place!? It doesn't look like any place on Earth that I know about!"

"You're in LazyTown."

"LazyTown?"

"Yes. My name is Sportacus."

"Sportacus?" Mike then squinted at the man. "…Kirk Douglas?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

---

"Absolutely humiliating…" Clayton grumbled under his breath as he sat down in a chair with an ice pack over his crotch.

"So let me get this straight…" Robbie began as he spied on LazyTown with his periscope. "Only _half_ of our plan worked? While this Nelson fellow is here, so is Sportakook."

"This can't be right." Dr. F shook his head. "I refuse to believe our plan was a failure. It was foolproof!"

"Says you." Frank grinned.

"I'm sure of it! The Matter Transference Device _always_ makes a complete transaction! That's the only way to know if it works or not! If Mike is down here making friends with the town hero then _somebody_ has to be onboard the SOL in his place!"

"All right, genius." Robbie retracted the periscope and looked at his partner in crime with a grin. "If it's not Sportacus up there, then who is it?"

---

Stephanie slowly opened her eyes as she regained consciousness and was alarmed at the sight before her. A hovering blue orb with a lens sticking from the middle hummed and chirped softly as it examined her from top to bottom.

"Hello…?" She waved at the machine. "Oh, I get it. Real cute, Pixel."

She stood up and took a moment to acknowledge the unfamiliar setting she found herself in. The red, blue and yellow lights that stood on the desk before her, the odd piping spread throughout the interior and not to mention the window to space, which had Earth clear in its viewing.

"Oh no…" She gulped. "I sure hope Pixel redecorated his room."

The hovering blue orb continued to circle Stephanie, making her even more nervous. After a while, she realized the robot wasn't a threat but was just curious and simply examining her.

"Hey, little guy." She smiled. "What's your name?"

_**Beep!**_

"Huh?"

Just then, she saw what appeared to be a gold machine of some sort with a bowling ball pin for a mouth and a net in the back of its head enter the room from a pair of sliding doors. He walked on two very scrawny legs and held an ice cream sandwich in one hand and a magazine in the other, which was currently keeping him occupied.

"Hey Mike," He started, his gaze still on the magazine. "I wanted to see if I could breathe underwater but then realized I don't need air and instead had a race with my toy boat and Servo's rubber frog and accidentally flooded the toilet so I used your underwear to clean up the mess. Hope you don't mind."

"Uhh…" Stephanie was at a loss for words.

"Look, I know how much you humans value your undies but you've got to learn how to go with the flow, if you know what I mean!"

"Uhh…"

"Mike, what the hell is wrong with--" He looked away from his magazine and froze at the sight of the pink-haired beauty before him. "…you?"

"Hi…" She said with a smile.

The bottom of Crow's pin began to tremble and his eyes widened as he shook in place with the magazine and ice cream still in his hands. Stephanie could tell he was about to scream bloody murder and tried to calm him down.

"No." She said quietly. "Please don't scream. I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Muh-muh-muh…" Crow stammered. "Muh-muh-muh…"

"No, don't! Please!"

"MIIIIIIIIIKE!" He finally screamed. "MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! WHERE ARE YOU!?"

"I'm sorry! I don't know who you're talking about! Please don't scream!"

"MIIIIIIIIKE!"

Just then, Servo appeared from a compartment within the front desk and shook his head at Crow. "Crow, you big doofus! What are you crying about?"

"Servo! Servo! Look behind you!"

"Huh? What? I don't see anyth--WHOA, MAMA!"

"Do you see it!? Do you see it!?"

"I SEE PINK! I SEE PINK! NOOOO! SO MUCH PINK! AAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Oh no!" Stephanie began to panic. "They're scared by my hair!"

"AAH!"

"AAH!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"PINK!"

"She killed Mike, Servo! She killed him, I just know it!"

"You evil pink-headed witch! Lemme at her! Lemme at her!"

"No!" Stephanie backed away slowly. "Where am I?"


	7. New Surroundings

_**A/N: Yeah, I know. I'm late. Sorry. I've been busy with the new YouTube channel. Any day now and it'll be up and running. In the meantime…**_

**Chapter 7**

He sat alone in the room. The only light that filled the darkness came from the wall of monitors that stood before him. His eyes examined each image slowly and carefully.

To the east, damage from the storm was minimal. Nobody was hurt. To the north, repair crews were already working on power lines and cooperating with Cleanup. To the west, the mayor and his were frantically searching for a young girl he referred to as "The Pink One". Meanwhile, a small group of schoolchildren lassoed a man in a blue jumpsuit with ease, only to see him trip over his own two feet.

---

"Hey, let go of me!" Mike demanded. "What is this, Lord of the Flies!?"

"Where did you take Stephanie, meat-face!?" Trixie growled.

"Who!?"

"The mayor's niece!"

"Trixie!" Sportacus suddenly appeared, helping Mike on his feet. "Kids! What are you doing?"

"This guy took Stephanie!" Ziggy exclaimed. "And we're gonna make him tell us where!"

"I didn't take anybody!" Mike protested. "I just got here! I don't know _how_ but--"

"But nothing!" Trixie interrupted as she tightened the noose around her prisoner's neck. "He's a lying dog, Sportacus!"

"Trixie, I don't think you're being very fair." Said the above-average hero as he quickly yanked the rope away from the girl and freed Mike. "For all we know, he could be telling the truth."

"And what if he isn't!? You don't buy that whole outer space story, do you?"

"But I _am_ from outer space!" Mike pleaded. "Well I mean I _came_ from outer space, I was actually born in Wisconsin but--Look! The point is, I was trapped in a spaceship called the Satellite of Love! It's big! It's shaped like a dog bone and I live with four robots who constantly make my life a living hell!"

"See, Trixie?" Ziggy smiled. "He's telling the truth!"

Then, as if lightning struck her brain, her eyes spread open and a gasp left her gaping mouth. "Of course! Why didn't I think of it before!?"

In seconds, Trixie kicked Mike directly in the shin to lower his head near her hand's reach and began tugging on his thick spiky blond hair.

"OW! Hey! Watch it, kid! What are you doing!?"

"It's over! I see right through your disguise, Robbie--"

They all froze from the shrill noise coming from Mike's mouth that blanketed the ripping from his scalp and the distant clap of thunder.

"…Rotten?" Trixie gulped while staring at a fistful of the stranger's hair. "Umm… oops."

---

"Ha…" The Stranger chuckled as he continued monitoring the town.

To the south, he saw the mad scientist tightening the vice around his assistant's head while Robbie and his living doll watched in amusement.

"So, Dr. Forrester…" He continued in a low voice. "…Taking it out on poor old Frank, are you? I can't say I'm surprised. I've already ruined your plan. And for my next trick, I will destroy your very soul by accomplishing that which you and that Rotten fool have failed to do!"

---

"If you're done strangling Frank," Robbie yawned. "Maybe we can check in and see how our test subject is doing?"

"Oh, all right." Forrester rolled his eyes and walked over to the control panel that had just been set up. After stroking a few keys, a holographic monitor projected from the periscope and spread out across the entire lair.

"Wow." Robbie gulped. "Pretty fancy stuff you got going there."

"I managed to adapt my equipment and took a few liberties with your lair."

"Sure, go ahead." He scoffed. "It's not like I was planning on using it later anyway…"

"Come in, Satellite of Love." The mad doctor spoke into an earpiece. "Earth to Robots. Come in, please!"

---

"Be with you in a minute!" Crow said as his image appeared onscreen. "We have a little pest control problem!"

The villains each did a double-take and eyeballed the gold robot dressed in a SWAT uniform and sunglasses while Gypsy wrapped her snake-like body around the Pink One. Meanwhile Servo, also dressed in SWAT gear, held a high-powered rifle to the young girl's head.

"Alright, Frenchy!" Growled the bubble-headed bot. "You got three seconds to tell me where all the other Pink Ladies are!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Stephanie pleaded. "Let me go!"

"Don't move, lady! I'll cut you! I'll cut you up _real_ good!"

"You're holding a gun."

"I'll shoot you! I'll shoot you up _real_ good!"

"You're hurting me!"

"Stings, don't it? I can make it stop! Just tell me what you did with Mike!"

"Who's Mike? Please, won't you let me go?"

"Ha! Fat chance! Alright, Gyps! Give her a squeeze!"

"Roger!" Gypsy nodded as her grip around Stephanie's small frame tightened. "I hate doing this to a fellow member of the female species but I haven't the slightest idea who you are or where you came from and therefore I will do what I must to protect my ship!"

"_Your_ ship?" Servo questioned. "I thought we agreed _I_ was in charge whenever our resident human was absent!"

"You only _assumed_ you were in charge! We never agreed to give you power of any kind!"

"Hey, what about _me_!?" Crow demanded to be acknowledged. "I'm just as good enough to run this place as you guys!"

"You wish! You two stupid-heads would be lost without me!"

"That's not true!"

"Who runs the ship's systems, hmm? Who works the helms? Who wakes you up every morning for Regis & Kelly!?"

"Be quiet! As captain of this ship, I demand you all be quiet!" Servo asserted himself.

Then, in a fit of rage, Gypsy unknowingly uncoiled herself from Stephanie and chased after her fellow robots around the ship while Robbie and the Mads remained glued to the screen.

"I need to get out of here." Stephanie whispered to herself.

---

"What's going on?" Robbie scratched his head. "Why are they chasing each other around? And when do I take over LazyTown!?"

"Patience, you fool!" Clayton snapped as spoke into the earpiece again. "And where do you think you're going, young lady?"

---

Stephanie froze in place with her left leg already entering the drop hatch and looked around for the source of the voice until Cambot approached her.

"Did you say something?"

The robot turned to signify another 'no' and hummed. Stephanie then noticed the blinking red light emanating from the floating orb and spoke into its lens.

"Hello?"

---

"Well what do you know? She's not as dumb as you think after all, Rotten!" Forrester grinned. "Sorry to startle you there, young one. But I think you'll find that door leads to sudden death."

---

"Sudden death?"

---

"You don't want to end up drifting in space as a corpse, do you?"

---

"I'm in space?" She gulped. "So this _isn't_ some fancy-looking room? That really _is_… outer space?"

---

He responded simply with a nod and a grin. When Robbie's face came into view, Stephanie gasped and scowled at the town villain.

---

"Robbie Rotten!" She exclaimed. "Why am I not surprised?"

---

"Huh?" In a panic, Robbie shifted his eyes and reached for a fake mustache, placing it over his lip. "No! I'm not Robbie! I'm, uhh… Dr. Clayton Forr--"

"That's _my_ name, you boob!" He elbowed the man in the gut. "Yes, I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester and I'm the one who orchestrated this little get-together. I'm sorry to say that you're only here by mistake. My original target was that man in the Blue Pajamas."

---

"Sportacus?"

---

"Yes, that's the one? He's not on Speed or anything, is he?"

---

"What?

---

"Just thought I'd ask. Dear God, that man is fast."

---

"What are you going to do to me?"

---

"So glad you asked! You're going to take part in my latest experiment!"

---

"Experiment? What kind of experiment?"

---

"My, aren't _you_ full of questions today? Where do I begin?"

---

Back in LazyTown, Sportacus the kids regrouped in Pixel's room and watched as Mike sat down in a chair while the Gizmo Guy attached several wires and suction cups to the strange man's face and head. When he was done, he returned to his computer and opened up a program that displayed every brainwave coming from the spaceman.

"What is this thing?" Sportacus asked.

"Just a lie detector." Pixel answered. "I've enhanced the schematics so we can _really _see what's going on his head."

"Hey, that sounds great." Mike chuckled nervously. "You have my word that I'm telling you the truth."

"Nice try. Now let's start with something simple. What's your name."

"Mike Nelson."

_**Ding!**_

"It works!" Ziggy exclaimed. "Ask him another one!"

"Where are you from?"

"Wisconsin." Mike gulped.

_**Ding!**_

"Where were you prior to your arrival in LazyTown?"

"In space."

_**Ding!**_

"How did you get here?"

"I don't know."

_**Bzzzt!**_

A small electrical shock went into Mike's brain, illuminating the computer screen for all to see. Pixel examined it and shook his head.

"You know something."

"Dr. Forrester!" Mike gasped. "It was Dr. Forrester! I remember now! _He_ did this to me!"

_**Ding!**_

"Where's our friend Stephanie?"

"I don't know."

_**Ding!**_

"You don't know? Do you think this Dr. Forrester had something to do with her disappearance?"

"It's possible."

_**Bzzzt!**_

"OW! Hey, come on! I'm telling the truth!"

_**Bzzzt!**_

"Stop it!"

"I'm not doing anything. The computer can sense when you're lying."

"But I'm _not_ lying!"

_**Bzzzt!**_

"Honest! I don't know if he had anything to do with your friend's disappearance!"

_**Ding!  
**_

"What!?"

"You have to be more specific with it or else it'll just shock you at will!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well you can't just say things like 'it's possible' or 'maybe'! You have to say yes or no!"

"But I don't know for sure!"

_**Bzzzt!  
**_

"Damn it!"

"Sportacus, this guy's telling the truth."

"Tell your computer that!"

"I know he is, Pixel." Sportacus nodded as he untied Mike. "Where is your spaceship?"

"Hopefully it's still in orbit." Mike sighed as he removed the wires. "Is there a phone I can use?"

---

Moments after hearing the Mad Scientist's plans for world domination and Robbie's scheme to rule over LazyTown, Stephanie leaned against the desk and shook her head in disbelief.

"So your plan to take over the world is by showing bad movies to an unsuspecting public?"

---

"Correct, my little pink urchin!"

---

"Yeah…" She bit her lower lip and shook her head. "…That's stupid."

---

"It is not!"

---

"Yeah, it kind of is."

---

"You'll choke on those words, Pinky Polly!" He threatened her as he took the film reel from Frank's hands. "You're going to watch this movie and suffer! Do you hear me!?"

---

"Hold it!" Servo intervened. "You didn't tell us this kid was supposed to be Mike's replacement!"

---

"Well why else would she be up there with you crazy robots?"

---

"I don't know." Crow shrugged. "To scare the Bejezus out of us?"

"I'm sorry if I scared you." Stephanie pat the robot on the head.

"Ah, nothing personal. Pretty much everything scares me these days. Life, death, organized religion and Jennifer Aniston's nose. Yuck!"

---

"What are you getting at, robots? I don't have time for this!"

---

"Point is, Dr. F," Servo continued. "We need a little time to give the kid a proper welcome."

"And how to defend herself from your experiment." Crow added.

---

"Nothing doing. Get in that theater now!"

---

"Wait!" Servo interrupted again. "As sentient beings, we're allowed to have at least one freedom on this Godforsaken ship and that's to train this little lady to properly handle your whacked-out experiments!"

---

"I said no!"

---

"Aw, come on! Please?" Servo's beak began to tremble.

"Yeah, please?" As did Crow's.

"You let us train Mike after Joel left?"

"Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

"Yeah, how about it?" Stephanie joined in.

---

"Oh, fine!" The doctor snapped. "You have two hours to train her! Afterwards, you're getting the movie! Understood!"

---

The robots didn't waste their time by giving their captor a proper response and instead scattered about the ship with several papers, diagrams and charts to prepare for the experiment that was ahead of them. Stephanie, meanwhile, giggled to herself and watched as the robots did their thing.

---

Outside the Town Hall, Mike walked over to the nearest pay phone and dropped a coin in while the others waited.

"Who are you calling?" Sportacus asked.

"Well," Mike began dialing the number. "I'm not sure where your friend is or how Dr. F managed to bring me back to Earth but I think I know someone who can help us."

"You do?" His eyes gleamed. "Who?"

"A friend of mine." Mike grinned as the other line picked up. "Hello? Operator? I was wondering if you can direct me to the Hot Fish Shop in Osseo. Yes… yes, that's right. I'm looking for Joel Robinson."


	8. Finishing Touches

**Chapter 8**

The mayor was frantic. For the last two hours he had been in and out of his office making phone calls to the police, the hospital, neighboring towns and anybody else who might have seen his missing niece. Ms. Busybody was trying her hardest to keep up with him while she kept track of all the phone numbers and logs that indicated when and where the mysterious storm struck.

"Anything, Ms. Busybody?" The mayor asked while he held the palm of his hand over the phone.

"Not a whole lot, mayor." She shook her head wearily. "One possible sighting near Torgo Pond but it could be a hoax. I'll keep at it."

"Thank you."

Outside, Mike continued his seemingly endless conversation inside the phone booth while Sportacus and the kids stood around waiting for their strange visitor to finish.

"Joel, you gotta come down here quick! This place gives me the creeps! It's like an Ed Wood film but with higher production values! And another thing, there are several buildings and neighborhoods around here but it seems to me that there are only nine people living in this town and that includes the superhero in the blimp!"

"Sportacus, he's been in that booth for two hours!" Trixie moaned. "At this rate, we'll never get Stephanie back!"

"Be patient, Trixie." Sportacus said calmly. "I'm sure Mike is making some progress with his friend."

After what seemed like an eternity, Mike finally hung up the phone and stepped out of the booth only to be greeted with a kick to the shin by Trixie.

"Ow!"

"Took ya long enough!" She hissed.

"Well I'm sorry but I had to make sure Joel got my message!"

"Message?" Sportacus raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he wasn't in his office so I left him a message."

Everyone paused for a moment until Trixie scowled and kicked Mike again. "For _two stinking hours_!?"

"Hey, quit that!" Mike rubbed his leg as he hid behind Stingy and Pixel. "Will you tell her to stop?"

"That's like telling Pixel to stop using his computer." Stingy snickered.

"Or like telling Stingy to stop being greedy." Pixel retorted.

"I can't help it if I have nice things." The miser turned his head as he stroked his beloved piggy bank.

"Um, Mr. Nelson sir?" Ziggy tugged at Mike's sleeve. "Is your friend going to come over and help us get Stephanie back?"

"Uhh… well…" Mike gulped. "Y'see, I don't know… if he gets the message then I'm sure he'll… uhh…"

"Don't worry, Ziggy." Sportacus kneeled beside the boy. "I'm sure Mike's friend will show up eventually. We'll see Stephanie again in no time. I promise. Now why don't you and the others go and play for a while to help keep your mind off it. Okay?"

"Okay, Sportacus!" Ziggy exclaimed as he and the other children ran off.

Astounded, Mike slapped the top of his head and shook it. "Wow! Okay, how the heck did you do that?"

"Do what?" Sportacus asked his fellow Man in Blue.

"That…. That _thing_ you did with the candy sucker!"

"You mean Ziggy?"

"Yeah! How did you convince him everything was gonna be alright?"

"Because I have faith that everything will turn out okay."

"But it might not! For all we know, your friend will be spending the next 10 years up in space. Then again, maybe not! She may not even be up there! Like I said, it's just a hunch!"

"It's okay, Mike." The hero placed a firm hand on Mike's shoulder. "I trust you."

"Oh for the love of…" Mike shook his head. "…Listen to me, pal. If your friend _is_ up in space right now, I can assure you that Dr. Forrester will submit her to the cruelest, most vile means of torture ever inflicted on a human being."

---

_In the not-too-distant future,_

_In a place called LazyTown._

_Robbie Rotten met Dr. Forrester_

_In his lair hidden underground._

_They wanted their rivals in each other's place,_

_Putting Mike on Earth and Sportacus in space._

_They sent a signal that reached high above _

_But it was Stephanie who wound up on the Satellite Of Love. _

_(Get! Me! Down!)_

_We'll send her cheesy movies._

_The worst we can find. (la la la)_

_She'll have to sit and watch them all._

_And we'll monitor her mind. (la la la)_

_Now keep in mind Steph can't control where the movies begin or end. (la la la)_

_She'll try to keep her sanity with the help of her robot friends…_

_ROBOT ROLL CALL!_

_Cambot! (Action!)_

_Gypsy! (Hear me roar!)_

_Tom Servo! (I see pink!)_

_Crooooooow! (Damn, she's cute!)_

_If you're wondering how she eats and breathes,_

_And other science facts. (la la la)_

_Just repeat to yourself it's just a show._

_I should really just relax._

_For…_

_MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000!_

Inside the Satellite Of Love, Stephanie sat down at the desk and wiped the sweat from her brow with the towel Gypsy provided her while Servo and Crow rummaged through their notes and flash cards.

"Okay, Pinky!" Servo turned his head over to her. "We got a few minutes before we go live. Let's do a little recap!"

"Okay." She nodded. "Give it to me."

"Let's see…" Crow cleared his throat. "There's a giant monster attacking Tokyo and a man goes inside the phone booth. What does he say? Go!"

"Uhh…" She thought for a second. "Oh I know! _Operator, can you direct me to the suicide hotline!_"

"Yes! Very good!" Crow applauded her.

"Okay, I got one." Servo took over. "Our damsel in distress is surrounded by a gang of thugs when Joe Don Baker shows up as her hero! Go!"

"Oh, gee…" Stephanie panicked. "Umm…"

"Ten seconds, Steph!"

"Oh! Okay!_ I didn't know this film came with an all-you-can-eat buffet!_"

"Ooh! Nice! Trick question! Joe Don is actually Rosie O'Donnell in disguise! Go!"

"_Now I know why he fondled everything but the ham!_"

"YES!" The robots exclaimed.

"Way to go, Steph!" Servo leaned against her to simulate a hug. "You're shaping up to be our best human yet!"

"Thanks guys!" She giggled.

Just then the red light on the panel began to flash, indicating the captors were ready to get on with the experiment.

"Uh-oh." Stephanie said as she hit the button. "Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are calling."

---

"Your two hours are up, Princess Pink." Forrester snarled through the view screen. "I hope you had enough time to get your affairs in order because once we get started, there's no going back!"

---

"Bring it." Stephanie dared.

---

"Them's fighting words, little missy…" He said as he slowly wrapped his fingers around the lever. "You're gonna regret saying them."

---

"WAIT!" Servo interrupted yet again.

---

"Oh, what now?"

---

"Sorry ,Stephanie but I had Gypsy whip up a little something for ya." Servo then whistled. "Okay, bring it out!"

Gypsy came slithering in with a box in her mouth, which Stephanie hastily removed with anticipation. She opened it up and was surprised by the contents, giving each of the robots a hug.

"Thanks!" She exclaimed. "Gypsy, you didn't have to do this!"

"My pleasure, little one!" The robot bowed.

"I'll go put it on!"

---

"Put what on? What's going on here!? Where did she go!?" Forrester began to lose his patience. "Will you hurry up!? We have an experiment to do here! You're deliberately wasting my time, do you know that!?"

"What's going on, Clay?" Frank asked.

"Oh, I don't know! I was about to pull the switch when suddenly the robots decided it was time for a gift exchange!"

"Hey, I got you a gift!"

"Frank, this isn't the time to---wait, you did!? Really!? Gimme!"

"Yeah, sure!" Frank handed the mad scientist a large container. "Open it up!"

"Oh goody!" Clayton grinned as he lifted the top of the box and stuck his head in. "What is it? I don't see anything. Wait a minute…"

Forrester then reached his hand in and pulled out what appeared to be an animatronic head resembling that of a dog's complete with bulging red eyes and smooth purple fur.

"It's parts to a killer robot hound! Frank, you shouldn't have! That's very thoughtful of you!"

"Oh, it was nothing." Frank bashfully bowed his head. "I found it under Robbie's organ."

"Well remind me after the experiment is over and I'll restore your kidneys and liver like I promised."

"Hey, you mean it? Thanks, doc!"

"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Robbie shrieked as he returned from the bathroom. "What are you doing!? That's _my_ robo-hound!"

"No it isn't, Frank gave it to me!" The mad scientist debated.

"Frank's a moron!" He snatched the dog's head. "You don't know how dangerous this thing is! He's nothing but trouble!"

Suddenly the eyes on the hound activated and glowed red then began to growl. Alarmed, Robbie slowly handed the head back to Forrester and attempted to drop it back into the box but the dog caught on right away. It opened its jaws and slammed them tightly over Robbie's fingers, forcing him to wrestle with the disembodied head throughout his lair, making a mess of things in the process.

"Oh well." Forrester looked on. "Guess you won't be getting those kidneys after all."

"Damn!" Frank kicked the air.

"Enough of this nonsense!" The doctor returned to the view screen. "Are you ready yet!?"

---

Back on the SOL, Stephanie reappeared from Mike's room wearing a new pink jumpsuit complete with pockets, pouches and her signature "S" sewn on the left side of her front zipper. She did a quick turn and modeled it to her applauding audience.

"What do you think?" She asked them.

"Pretty in pink, that's what I say!" Crow whistled.

"Yeah! Molly Ringwald can't hold a candle to you!" Servo bounced up and down.

"Thanks!"

---

"Excuse me! But can we _please _get this over with! I want to take over the world by dinnertime!"

---

"Okay, okay." Stephanie faced Cambot. "We're ready."

---

"Good. Your experiment today is a sword and sorcery debacle from the mid-1980s. I give you _Red Sonja _starring Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold Schwarza… Schwarzendazzen… er, Schwarzen-n-nicaragua…. Something. Y'know, that governor guy! Whatever. Watch it and weep! Send them the movie, Frank!"

---

The lights on the ship began to flash while the alarms rang out across the bridge. Immediately, Gypsy headed back to run the higher functions of the SOL while Stephanie proudly declared to her new robots friends:

"WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!"

And with that, the experiment was about to begin.


	9. Red Sonja, part 1

_**A/N: Stephanie and the bots will be referred to as S&TB**_

**Chapter 9**

_[Inside a dark movie theater, two figures walk across an aisle of seats while their silhouettes project onto the movie screen. The MGM lion roars onscreen as Stephanie and Crow take their seats.]_

STEPHANIE: "Oh, good. This movie is PETA approved."

CROW: "Just another check for Ingrid Newkirk."

_[As the opening credits roll, Stephanie turns her head.]_

STEPHANIE: "Hey, Crow?"

CROW: "Yeah?"

STEPHANIE: "Where's Servo?"

CROW: "Oh for the love of… you're supposed to carry him into the theater!"

STEPHANIE: "What? Why?"

CROW: "There's an air grate! Servo can't hover!"

STEPHANIE: "Oh! Sorry!"

_[Stephanie quickly gets up from her seat and scurries off. She returns with Servo in her arms, who shakes his head.]_

SERVO: Every time we get a new human, they always forget!"

STEPHANIE: "Sorry, Tom!"

SERVO: "For crying out loud…"

_**[After a dull opening text, the film proper begins with a cabin on fire]**_

SERVO: "Looks like Pa Kettle finally had enough."

_**[The camera pans to a woman lying on the floor unconscious] **_

CROW: "Wow. The Danish really knew how to party back then!"

_**[A voice calls out to the woman as a ghostly figure materializes before her]**_

_**VOICE: Sonja… **_

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "What?"

_**VOICE: Sonja… **_

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "What?"

_**VOICE: Sonja…**_

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "WHAT!?"

_**[The young woman wakes up and gazes at the vision before her]**_

CROW (as Sonja): "Man, did I get wasted or what?"

_**SPIRIT**_**: **_**You are suffering, Sonja...**_

CROW: "How do you think _we_ feel? We're the ones who have to watch this!"

_**SPIRIT: …but vengeance shall be yours.**__**Vengeance on Queen Gedren,**__**who wanted you for herself.**_

_**[Flashback of Gedren beckoning Sonja forward]**_

SERVO (gruff feminine voice): "Come over here, sweet cheeks!"

_**SPIRIT: Your disgust was clear.**_

_**[Flashback of Sonja striking Gedren with a weapon]**_

CROW: "Where's my money!?"

_**SPIRIT: And so it was that Gedren **__**ordered your family murdered. Your body violated by her soldiers.**_

SERVO (as Spirit): "Your career to go down the toilet!"

_**SPIRIT: But in your quest **__**for justice and vengeance...**_

STEPHANIE: "Oh, so it's one of _those_ films, is it?"

_**SPIRIT: …you will need great strength...**_

CROW (as voice): "And an agent who knows what he's doing…"

_**SPIRIT**_**: … **_**for your sword arm must have no equal.**_

SERVO: "Your lazy eye must have no direction."

_**SPIRIT**_**: …**_**I give you that strength.**_

_**[The Spirit wields a sword and knights the young woman]**_

STEPHANIE: "So the Spirit of Vengeance passes her knowledge into this fiery redhead, who doesn't have a clue…"

SERVO: "Paving the way for a new order of justice and ass-beatings to a savage wasteland…"

CROW: "Only to be upstaged by a big beefy Austrian with a speech impediment, who will one day become governor of California."

_**[The camera pans out as darkness falls over the young woman. Then the title appears: RED SONJA]**_

_**  
**_STEPHANIE: "From the makers of Purple Nurple and Agent Orange!"

CROW: "Now with a heartier woodland skank fragrance!"

SERVO: "Available wherever obscure 70s comic book characters are sold!"

CROW: "Red Sonja is not for everyone. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, severe head trauma…"

SERVO: "Poor judgment, marriage to Sylvester Stallone and an inexplicable attraction to Flavor Flav…"

STEPHANIE: "Ask your doctor if Red Sonja is right for you."

_**[Cut to more credits as a man on a horse rides along a vacant field as heroic music plays in the background]**_

STEPHANIE: "The future President of the United States, boys."

SERVO: "You wish."

CROW: "Seems like a long way to go just for some frankfurters and cheese balls."

SERVO: "Twenty bucks says they actually filmed this with him driving a Hummer and they digitally inserted the horse."

STEPHANIE: "Actually it's the other way around. The George Lucas edition drops the horse and replaces it with Jar Jar."

SERVO: "Oh."

CROW: "So he's just riding a horse, is he?"

STEPHANIE: "That's what it looks like."

CROW: "I'm sure this has something to do with the plot."

STEPHANIE: "Probably. I think maybe they're just trying to give Arnold some more screen time."

CROW: "Ah, I see."

SERVO: "So I'm guessing Dolph Lundgren and Lou Ferrigno were the only ones smart enough--"

CROW: "Watch it."

SERVO: "Er, not as dumb as I had thought, of course… ha ha…"

_**[The rider comes to a bridge that has been demolished then turns his horse around]**_

STEPHANIE (as Arnold): "Dey are gonna staht Oktoberfest widout me, _yargh_!"

_**[An exterior shot of a cone-shaped temple.]**_

SERVO: "Meanwhile, at Baskin Robbins HQ."

_**[Inside, a small honor guard armed with swords circle a glowing object. They then shift in place]**_

CROW: "That's it. A little to the left… More… A little more… Nope! Too far! Do it again!"

_**[Shot of a spiked glowing green orb.]**_

SERVO: "All right, who spiked the Jell-O?"

STEPHANIE: "Lame."

SERVO: "I couldn't help it."

_**[A group of priestesses dressed in gold and white enter the temple]**_

CROW: "So the movie takes place on Vulcan, does it?"

SERVO: "Wow! I'm _already_ starting to feel intellectually superior and emotionally distant!"

_**[The High Priestess searches around]**_

STEPHANIE (as priestess): "Now where did I leave that katra?"

_**PRIESTESS: Varna…**_

STEPHANIE: "You've been going through my closet again, haven't you?"

_**PRIESTESS: …where is the Lord of Hyrkania? **_

_**VARNA: He has not come, Highness. **_

_**PRIESTESS: He should be here for the destruction of the talisman. **_

CROW (surfer voice): "Look, dude. I just work here."

_**PRIESTESS: But we cannot delay. We will proceed without him.**_

SERVO: "Oh well. More Romulan Ale and baklava for us!"

_**[The priestesses follow in single file towards the center of the honor guard and circle the green orb while the High Priestess approaches the orb]**_

CROW: "The Law of Sword and Sorcery B-Movies clearly states that places of worship aren't as safe as they're made out to be in Sword and Sorcery A-Movies."

STEPHANIE: "Don't spoil the movie, Crow."

SERVO: "I get the feeling that all the women in this building are going through a severe Stevie Nicks phase."

CROW: "To the gypsy that remains, faces freedom with a little fear."

STEPHANIE: "Huh? What?"

CROW: "Nothing."

_**PRIESTESS: O God of the high Gods... **_

SERVO: "Being as stoned as you are…"

_**PRIESTESS: …behold the talisman with which you created the world and all things. **_

STEPHANIE: "Except for this movie, of course."

_**[Exterior shot of a group of horses approaching the temple]**_

S&TB (singing): _"We got hold of a pot of gold, Bonanza!"_

_**PRIESTESS: O God of Gods... **_

SERVO: "Whichever one you may be right now."

_**PRIESTES: …it has become too powerful for us... **_

_**[Close-up of Varna looking bored]**_

STEPHANIE (as Varna): "Sure, she's the boss. Big deal. _I_ could dress up like Iman and make up prayers as I go along, too!"

_**[The High Priestess turns and walks in another direction]**_

CROW (as HP): "Damn! What was my line!?"

_**[The riders begin mounting the fortress]**_

SERVO: "WO-MAN!"

_**[Inside, the honor guard drop their weapons to the floor]**_

SERVO: "Hey, Cindy! Let's put our weapons down, like, in case we get attacked or something so we can look really silly when we need to use them!"

CROW: "Oh my gosh! That's what _I _was thinking! How fun!"

_**PRIESTESS: Forgive us now as we send it out of the light from which it draws its power... **_

STEPHANIE: "Ah, so it's Kryptonite!"

_**PRIESTESS: …into eternal darkness.**_

SERVO: "What, no kiss?"

_**[Outside, one of the riders looks over to Gedren and gives her a signal]**_

CROW (as general): "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

SERVO: "No!"

_**[The Priestess removes a scepter from a stone casing]**_

CROW: "Now to find a baby seal that needs clubbing!"

_**PRIESTESS: Forgive us. **_

STEPHANIE: "We'll never star in another movie again."

_**[The orb's glow burns out as the stone closes in on it.]**_

SERVO: "The Jell-O's losing its flavor! Oh, the humanity!"

_**[Gedren's general throws a shuriken that hits the High Priestess directly in the chest]**_

STEPHANIE: "Wow! Pretty impressive seeing as they're standing outside the opposite side of the temple!"

_**[The soldiers charge into the temple and begin killing everyone in sight]**_

S&TB (chanting): _"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor…" _

_**[The guards fight back, making a few kills of their own]**_

CROW: "Brilliant execution! A little rough on the landing but I don't think the judges will mind too much!"

SERVO: "I like the fire! It's a nice touch! Nothing says mystical warfare like a guy getting a crotchful of flame!"

STEPHANIE: "And there goes Varna, plowing down a would-be assassin! She ducks and makes a hard right! She swings! It's a hit! Now she's going down the runway and tries to make another kill! It's good! There she goes again with another right! This girl is on fire! She makes the swing but misses! Here comes another one! It's good! She! Could! Go! All! The! Way!"

_**[Varna slays a man who approaches her]**_

SERVO (as man): "D'oh! I just wanted to know where the bathroom was!"

_**[The guards push the soldiers out of the temple and barricade the door]**_

CROW: "What part of 'no boys allowed' don't you understand!? This is _our_ slumber party!"

_**[Several more soldiers enter the temple from the skylight and climb down their ropes]**_

STEPHANIE: "So they also double as ninjas? Well I bet that keeps costs pretty darn low."

_**[The men slaughter the women and reopen the temple doors]**_

CROW (surfer voice): "Dude! Keg party! Whoo-hoo!"

_**[Gedren's general takes the scepter from the High Priestess's dead body and replaces it in the stone casing, reopening the chamber]**_

SERVO (as general): "Now it's _my _time to shine! Weenie boy do good, mistress!?"

_**[More fighting ensues]**_

CROW: "And so they're just fighting some more, are they?"

STEPHANIE: "Yep."

CROW: "Boy, I never thought I'd be so bored watching a lot of people get killed onscreen. It kind of takes from the experience of doing it for real."

SERVO: "What are you talking about!? You're afraid to kill the spider in the bathtub!"

CROW: "Hey, that thing has eight legs! How am _I_ supposed to defend myself from that!?"

_**[One of the soldiers tackles one of the women to the floor]**_

SERVO (as woman): "Oh, honey! Not here in front of all the barbarians!"

_**[Gedren enters the temple on horseback and approaches the glowing orb]**_

CROW (as Gedren): "Man, this baby will be great with some whipped cream and pineapple chunks! Mm-mm!"

_**GEDREN: So this can make worlds…**_

SERVO: "And balance your checkbook in just two easy steps!"

_**GEDREN: …or shatter them by storm and earthquake. **_

STEPHANIE: "Also known as Katrina and Sumo."

_**GEDREN: Have it lifted out. **_

_**SOLDIER: Lift it out!**_

_**[Four of the soldiers lift up the stand holding the orb]**_

SERVO: "Oh! My back!"

CROW: "Oh! My groin!"

STEPHANIE: "Oh! My expendability!"

_**[Gedren summons a random soldier]**_

SERVO (as Gedren): "Oh my gosh! Becky, let's do some Jell-O shots!"

_**GEDREN: Touch it.**_

STEPHANIE: "What, no dinner first?"

_**[The soldier hesitates]**_

CROW: "Gee, I don't know. This sure is a big commitment! You don't think we're rushing things, do you?"

_**[The soldier touches the orb and in a cheap effect, vanishes from thin air, followed by what sounds like a loud sneezing]**_

STEPHANIE: "Wait, did he just get sneezed out of the movie?"

_**[Gedren gasps]**_

SERVO (as Gedren): "I'm a woman!"

_**[Gedren addresses one of her handmaidens]**_

_**GEDREN: Touch it.**_

_**[The maiden shakes her head]**_

STEPHANIE: "I seriously doubt death by nuclear sneezing is covered by their HMO."

_**GEDREN: Touch! It!**_

CROW: "Yeah, I'm real sure she understood you the first time."

_**[The young woman touches the orb and is relieved to find that nothing happens]**_

SERVO: "Looks like she's got herself _another_ pair of underwear to wash tonight!"

_**[Gedren laughs]**_

_**GEDREN: So it is true. Only women may touch it. **_

CROW: "For that is the Law of Man."

_**SOLDIER: The cover!**_

_**[The men place a cone over the orb] **_

SERVO: "I hear Jell-O ice cream cones are all the rage on Vulcan."

_**SOLDIER: Take it out!**_

SERVO: "But it'll melt!"

_**[The men haul it away and exit the temple]**_

STEPHANIE: "Between the sneezing vanishing powers and its high calorie count, there's no doubt that those men are carrying the world's most dangerous dessert."

_**GENERAL: Great queen, what shall we do with the prisoners? **_

SERVO (as General): "Because I was kind of hoping I could keep one in my room for, y'know … _stuff_."

_**[Gedren pauses and gestures toward an open pit]**_

STEPHANIE (southern accent): "Put on the grill! Let's make some steak'n'taters!"

_**[The soldiers grab the prisoners and begin throwing them down the pit]**_

SERVO: "No! My hair! Oh God, nooooo!"

_**[Varna witnesses this from the back and opens a secret compartment on the wall]**_

CROW (as Varna): "To hell with this! I've got Lakers tickets!"

_**[Two soldiers slowly come up from behind, searching for survivors]**_

SERVO: "You just can't hire good help these days. I mean look at them! They let one get away! They've got some serious ass-kissing to do if they don't want a date with the Jell-O mold of death!"

_**[One of the men notices the opening]**_

STEPHANIE: "D'oh!"

_**SOLDIER: Come!**_

SERVO: "I found a way out of this movie! Let's go!"

_**[Exterior shot of the governator riding along another field]**_

STEPHANIE: "Well look who finally decided to show up!"

_**[Arnie sees the soldiers chasing after Varna from across a cliff]**_

STEPHANIE (as Arnie): "_Gyah_! I'm on de wrong side of de set!"

_**[Varna reaches the end of the cliff and swings down a zip line to the other side]**_

CROW: "Well look at that! The crew from the last movie must have left their zip line behind by accident! How convenient for our runaway priestess!"

_**[The guards reach the zip line and take aim with their crossbows]**_

SERVO (as guard): "Remember! Her butt is worth 50 points!"

_**[Arnold stops his horse as he waits for Varna]**_

STEPHANIE (as Arnie): "Dey are making de moovee widout me!"

_**[The guards shoot and one of the arrows hits Varna in the back]**_

SERVO: "Oh, those blood stains aren't gonna come out!"

_**[Varna reaches the other side and falls into the governator's arms]**_

CROW (as Arnie): "Now I get to be de hero again!"

_**[He picks her up]**_

STEPHANIE: "Come with me if you want to live… 'cuz you only have, like, two minutes."

_**[He rests her against a tree]**_

CROW: "I guess he wants to save time and just bury her now."

_**[Exterior shot of Gedren and her army marching out of the temple]**_

SERVO: "Y'know, I'm sure the spirit's opening monologue at the beginning of the film was enough to let me know Gedren was evil but thanks for pointing it out to me again!"

_**[Under the tree, Arnold pulls out the arrow from Varna's back]**_

STEPHANIE: "Now hurry! You're letting all the syrup out!"

_**[Arnie senses the soldier behind him and strikes him down with his sword]**_

SERVO (as soldier): "Oh! My gut!"

_**[Arnie strikes down another]**_

CROW (as soldier): "Oh! My hernia!"

_**[He takes out several more]**_

STEPHANIE: "And in case anyone forgot Arnie was once a pretty cool action hero… well, you get the idea."

SERVO: "Uh-huh."

_**[Arnie decapitates the last soldier, whose head flies up in the air in slow motion]**_

CROW: "Yeah! That's the way to get ahead!"

STEPHANIE/SERVO: "Crow!"

CROW: "Sorry."

_**[He returns to Varna's care while placing his sword back in its holster]**_

SERVO: "Ow! That'll leave a mark on the old Nürnberger!

_**VARNA: The talisman's stolen... **_

STEPHANIE: "I'm pretty sure it was a glowing green ball just a few minutes ago."

_**VARNA: Must… destroy the talisman... **_

CROW: "Must… recover breath…"

_**VARNA: We must find my sister. Take me. I know where she is. **_

SERVO: "Say! Listen, if you pull through this, do you think you, your sister and I could… ha ha ha…"

_**VARNA: …Please**_**. **

_**[Arnie nods]**_

STEPHANIE: "Still not talking, Mr. governor?"

_**[Elsewhere, a middle aged man in armor is dueling with Sonja]**_

STEPHANIE: "Whoa. He's like one of those pawn shop owners who collects old weapons and practices with them in the back."

SERVO: "I haven't seen an elderly person fight like this since those two old ladies fighting over the last can of beets at the supermarket."

_**[The Grand Master, a much older man with a long white beard wearing a ridiculous suit of armor, gives the command for the two to duel again]**_

CROW: "Wow. I don't think Mr. Miyagi ever looked so young!"

_**[They continue swinging their swords around while a handful of soldiers watches on]**_

SERVO: "So while the evil queen has been out killing people, our heroine has been here practicing her skills with someone who's at a great disadvantage?"

CROW: "What do you mean?"

SERVO: "Well there's the age thing. And he looks like he could use a few meals. And if I'm not mistaken, I'd say that guy's got a screw loose somewhere. Yeah, I just don't see how sparring with this prune will prepare her for her fight with Gedren."

STEPHANIE: "You don't know if they're gonna fight yet, Tom."

SERVO: "Well they better! I wouldn't mind seeing some mud thrown in there too!"

CROW: "Ooh! Nice!"

STEPHANIE: "Oh, great…"

_**[Sonja defeats her opponent and points her sword at him while the soldiers pound their chests]**_

S&TB: "Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!"

_**MASTER: Magnificent. **_

SERVO (as Grand Master): "And I don't normally get up from the toilet for just anyone!"

_**[A wide shot reveals they are all in a coliseum, where the entrance is through a statue of a crouching warrior]**_

STEPHANIE: "So entering or exiting the coliseum means risking exposure to poo gas?"

_**MASTER: You have nothing more to learn, Red Sonja. **_

CROW (as GM): "Cousin Green Horn would be proud!"

_**MASTER: You are the master of the master. **_

SERVO: "Float like a butterfly, stings when you pee!"

_**MASTER: Never have l seen your equal. **_

STEPHANIE: "Yeah. Who else can sport a mullet like that and still look good while kicking butt?"

SERVO: "Obi Wan?"

STEPHANIE: "Oh, yeah."

_**[Sonja's sparring partner attempts to hug her but she backs away]**_

STEPHANIE (as Sonja): "Eww!"

SERVO: "Aw, shut down!"

_**[He bows to her]**_

CROW (as man): "Guess I'll just go and commit seppuku now…"

_**MASTER: Sonja…**_

SERVO (as Master): "Will you help me straighten this robe? It's riding up my crack!"

_**MASTER: You must learn to like men a little better. They are not all evil. **_

STEPHANIE: "Unless they kidnap you and launch you into space and force you to watch bad movies with a couple of robots who are about as dumb as--"

CROW/SERVO: "Hey!"

STEPHANIE: "I mean, I love you guys!"

_**SONJA: We must judge by our own experience, Grand Master. **_

_**MASTER: I know. **_

CROW: "He'll never look at a bar of soap the same way again."

_**MASTER: But in life, all is not swordplay. **_

SERVO: "There's foreplay!"

_**MASTER: Hatred of men in a lovely young woman. It could be your downfall. **_

CROW: "It could be the end of dinner as we know it!"

_**SONJA: I don't hate all men, Grand Master. **_

SERVO: "Say!"

CROW: "Houston, we have liftoff!"

STEPHANIE: "All right, let's get out of here…"

_[Stephanie picks up Servo as she and Crow begin to exit the theater.]_

_**MASTER: That would have been music to my ears 30 years ago. **_

SERVO (as Master): "Now I spend my time at bathhouses!"

_**MASTER: Come. A great swordsman must have a great sword.**_


End file.
